Anarchy Zen

Been Some Time...

2010-11-26T21:08:00.002-05:00

Well it's been some time since I last posted. I used to travel for my job 3 years ago and when I stopped I didn't update anymore. With Facebook I can now update there, but it isn't as directly personal. With so many various friends and family types on FB it isn't really the best place to write truth and semi-private thoughts (but I still do). So I've decided to try updating more here and see what happens. Maybe there's some worth to paying some attention to the Blog world for the FB reasons I've mentioned.

Erin Go Braughless Party

2007-03-21T23:28:00.000-04:00

A good party it was. Car bombs and debauchery.

Grants Pass Oregon

2007-02-02T23:54:00.000-05:00

A small mountain city. Everthing closes at 9:30 on a Friday night almost eerie ghost town sorta place but tonight it is art walk eve. So everywhere is packed and i was worried i wouldn't find a quality place to eat that had room for me before closing time. So i am at the Brewery and my first menu choice is 86!

Beautifully rugged mountain country. I like the surronding woods but not the surburban style city.

I drove the 199 to Crecent City California going through the red wood forest and speeding some steep curvy roads.

I will have driven on every major and many minor road in the US by the time this job is done. I might as well be a truck driver.

Job should end soon hopefully. I want to be done.

Chicago

2007-01-15T22:03:00.000-05:00

It has been over seven years since i last visited Chicago last time with Lisa as vagabonds looking for adventure and this time on business with an expense account.

Big city. Thick and dense with a tenacious quality that New York doesn't convey. I like the feel and gothic beauty of Chicago. Too bad there is no surfing, skiing and it gets too cold.

I should try to find out if club Neo is still open. Wow, was the first Matrix really that long ago?

Lisa and i bonded deep on that x-country adventure together in the red storm, hitting camp grounds and as many goth clubs as we could find.

We bladed Chicago, the shore boardwalk, and stayed at a hostel in separate beds the first night. The second we went to club Neo and had wild sex in a coed room later that night!

Only two nights over three days, but we enjoyed. I doubt there will be any sex on this trip, but i have money now. Funny how the balance of life shifts.

Portland playground

2007-01-06T16:08:00.000-05:00

At the Rechie playground with Lisa and Sorcha on a very warm, motorcycles out Jan. Winter day. Sorcha is making friends and running around care free. Beautiful day. I am tired from being up late at the gothic club and after hours but let the blog record show that i am happy at the moment!

Why is Classic Rock still popular?

2006-12-05T21:43:00.000-05:00

People 40 and younger out at bars in 2006 grew up with MTV and 80s music onward. Why 60's shit and overplayed 70s crap every where you go? Won't baby boomer culture ever die?

It has actually, but its the new offends no one too much de facto elevator music. You know when you hear ir that the propriotor or manager of a business has no balls or is stuck in time with their heas deep in the sand.

Any thing played over and over again without concept and due occasion will have it's soul ripped out and be replaced in the art appreciating place in your brain by a buzzing drone of apathy.

Save classic rock! Kill It!!

Baton Rouge

2006-12-05T21:31:00.000-05:00

I've been to much worse place. So called River City has lots of potential, but has a dull downtown and the usual main highway thru ways of multi lanes and no sidewalks. Most people are on the national chain surburban sprawl drug as is usual and character, quality and art are the exception, but with lush wild greenery, the river and some gorgeous big trees that haven't been cut down yet and a sprinkle of southern olde culture hanging on there is hope yet.

LSu is here and a major presence. You'd think there would be more of a downtown bar scene with college kids around or maybe i just haven't found it.

Vet clinic i'm working at is slimy and smelly with doctors who are disrespectful and disorganized, heaping their problems on others. Some of the staff are cool though.

I'm at PubThat doesn't serve food on 3rd street called Happy's havinfg a 2 for 1 Guiness that costs 5.50 so go figure. Guess i'll guzzle and wait around for my second before going out and searching probably invain for non national chain food.

Washington DC

2006-11-18T18:55:00.000-05:00

Lots of great architecture. Lots of honking horn busy traffic roads, but also a good subway rail sytem, which i used to get to my job site and arounf town.

I roller skated the town today; a bit cold but exciting and unique. Went into the neighborhoods of brownstones and victorian homes first and the to Georgetown and around the Wahington monument and long mall area. Impressive place. I would live here if i had a job to take, but mostly lawyers herw i think, not programmers.

Flint Michigan Sucks

2006-11-14T20:36:00.000-05:00

But maybe it's the weather; cold and dreary all three days i've been here.

70 speed limited fast highways which are nice. Can't say i've seen much. The cleaning compound that is use at my courtyard marriott stinks. I dont understand why the think they can charge 140 bucks to deal with it. In fact courtyards are not worth their price tag and often located in sucky suburban sprawl locations. I'll stick with my hampton inns.

Miss lisa and sorcha, but halfway through my trip now. Been depressed about the world noting how low class everyone lives where i visit. Makes me realize that i have a very different idea of what quality good living is.

Oh well. Maybe i've just seen too much at this halfway point in my life. I want more character to my society, culture and environment.

Columbus Ohio

2006-11-10T20:41:00.000-05:00

A cool place. High street has uptown and dive town. Streets are too wide with anti over night parking rules, but there are some rich pockets of community and culture. I found a great alt and fetish clothing shop where i bought Lisa a kewl sexy long skirt for xmas. Hopefully she won't read this.

I'm on the road for a couple weeks before thx giveing.

At The Burgandy Room right now enjoying a martini, waiting for my food and watching the semi yuppies, couples and business types noshing. I like the place though. Upscale but easy going. Not that many songles so i suppose the place is more romantic than pickupy.

Fall Day Blading in Portland

2006-11-01T15:23:00.000-05:00

Nice warm Fall day here in Portland, Maine. Home from my road warrior travels, I decided to get in what might the last inline skate of the season. I hit the pavement and cruised around the West end, noting that my jumps and tricks were still there although not as powerful as usual. I shredded pavement down Pine St., to Congress and then rocketed down Free Street adding a sky jump to freak out a couple pedestrians. Once into the Olde Port I tricked and spun my way down Exchange Street onto Fore, being sure to go up and down the building ramp that says "no roller blading" and then onto Commercial and finally to the Maine State Pier where I ran in Amy and Jamie and the Red Head Girl (whose name I really should know since I see her a Plague and the After Hours Party all the time). I got the chance to show off a bit, startling them with a jump onto a two foot high concrete and wooden plateu and the a sky jump off it and then after talking I demonstrated a 360 that had poor height. They were out walking and enjoying the day themselves. Saying goodbye, I jumped and rang the metal bell off the pier statue and side skated off the pier and a final show off side walk ramp jump. Then I went around the Eastern Promenade and back to go up Munjoy hill, down Cumberland, (which is way too bumpy and difficult waste of inertia) and back up Congress, into the West end for a final loop and then back home again.

Excerisice is good. At age 38 I wonder when my body is going to start slowing me down?! In many ways my skilz and strength are as good as ten years ago or maybe I just don't remember or didn't make the most of my muscle and constituition back then.

Greenville, NC

2006-10-19T16:12:00.000-04:00

Greenville, NC is small city suburban sprawl at its worse. Sidewalks? What are those? Anywhere that has sidewalks is run down and poor and all i saw had African heritage. Did any body of means flee the pre auto 20th century downtown and forget what community and culture offer. I couldn't find one local dining establishment. Everything in the city is a National chain. There is a college, ECU, there but except for an impressive stadium you wouldn't know it. The weather is nice though. Too bad most of southern culture everywhere seems to have abandoned real life for auto and big box national chain misery.

Flying in USA sucks

2006-10-17T19:50:00.000-04:00

TSA and anyone involved in approving and enforcing the security regulations can go fuck themselves. I fly once or twice a week and have noted that TSA is acting more and more Gustafo like than a year ago. The liquid rules and process is stupid. Quality life has inherant risk. I do not want to live in fear for no good reason. DO YOU?

Tough times

2006-09-28T20:09:00.000-04:00

Been on the road working with a broken system that is really making my life a living hell .

However, i figured out Ivar's drum machine and wrote a new song . I bought one of the new version iPods. I also got a little bit of work done on the house .

Haven't seen any friends for three weeks. That's okay, but i probab;y won't see any for another two.

I am in surburbia Baltimore right now at a Bennigans waiting for my gruel. Music sucks. Atmosphere sucks. And the people are boring.

My job really is frustrating because the equipment and software for this nre product is not working right. I am the front line guy and deal with customer directly in person.

Btw: i have started searching for a new job.

Aaron's Bach Party

2006-09-09T21:25:00.000-04:00

We are drinking. We are waiting for the ehh entertainment to arrive. We are chilling and joking. I don't know how many of us are really into the entertainment, but Tallon has gone all out. Ahh the entertainment has arribed. I've never been to one of these actually.

Napa Valley

2006-09-08T18:23:00.000-04:00

On my way back from the sleepy wine town of Napa, California. Beautiful countryside, but i expected better food. I did have a half bottle of Sangiovesse from local grapes that was quite good. The downtown was so boring. Inline skating sucked as well, the roads being made of rocky asphalt, probably for better grip in the rainy season. The place is expensive too. Nice though. More of restful place.

Lisa and Sorcha are great. I've been traveling a lot lately and miss them a lot. Be home for a 4 day stand though. Sorcha's development is amazing. I should post a picture!

Lonely Goth Club Hopping

2006-08-20T14:24:00.000-04:00

I was at the Kitchen Club, Gothic-Industrial Night in North Miami last night. There was a fetish festival thing going on. Lots of whipping and some candle was dripping on naked skin. Was an okay scene in this plazaville location.

In top form dancing hard. Seemed to get some flack from this one guy who seemed to think a small crowded dance floor is a place to stand around and text message and besides his girlfriend kept dancing around me.

I reliazed after getting a little pissed with the guy walking through me that maybe the last burbon and coke had fueled some aggression and I decided this wasn't my turn and to take it easy.

Lonely when you are on the road like this. I talked very briefly to a couple people and got some inviting looks, but then there is really nothing to talk about, but I miss having a connection.

Not sure I should be doing this gothic-industrial club thing on the road. I see lots of hot woman and interesting people, but it's like looking through a locked window and I'm not motivated enought to break it nor would that be good for me.

Well since I might not do it again, I figure I'll take a moment to list all the gothic industrial clubs I have visited either by club name or night name.

Portland, ME: Zootz, Assylum, Underground
Boston,MA: Man Ray, Ceremony
Portsmouth, NH: Don't Remember Name
Tampa Bay, FL: The Castle
Miami, FL: The Kitchen
New Orleans, LA: The Dungeon
San Diego, CA: Shooters
Portaland, OR: Embers
Chicago, IL: Neo
Ithica, NY: Don't Remember Name
Dallas, TX: The Church
San Francisco, CA: The Glass Kitty
Seattle, WA: The Vogue
Philadelphi, PA: Shampoo

Maybe a couple more, but can't think of 'em right now.

Miami beach

2006-08-19T00:18:00.000-04:00

I have never had a 10 dollar Makers Mark and coke, but the cover was free. I'll split the diff. South Miami beach on a Friday night. Unless you have bling and a sexy bod to show off you are not missing that much. Nice and hot here and i like that. Sea Water is like a being inside a woman. Nice. Bladed my ass around earlier showing off. Lots of foreign languages. I figure Miami is a world wide tourist destination. Lots of hot bodies and more wanna bees, but not many from my style of alt gothic industrial. place is happenning but bring your big bills!

Flag Burning

2006-06-29T13:13:00.000-04:00

I'm compelled to write about the anti-freedom ignorance of the recently attempted constitutional ammendment banning flag desecration.

Can we not see how ethically wrong this attempt is. It goes against everything the United States
Bill of Rights stands for. Outlawing the vaguely enforcable descretion of the flag is anti-american and actually anti-patriotic. It seems people in this country no longer want to be free.

Plz. If your congress person voted in favor of this measure then vote the idiot out next chance you get cause they are showing the true colors of their ignorance of freedom.

NW Arkansas

2006-06-27T19:27:00.000-04:00

Another Dry County! Wow. This in the home of Walmart. Go figure. Bunch of backwards, religious, support our god fucking troops, lost in the past yahoos. Except with the sucess of Walmart they have the money to build gated communities. But, the people i'm working with seem okay, although maybe a bit prejudice... Some mexican comments.

Trees and green and water and warmth though. I tried swimming in Beaver lake, but a bit noisy with boats. So i swam more back at the hotel. Now i'm eating at the only restaurant in the tiny historical downtown of Rogers, AR.

In other personal news. Everything seems to be a go for lisa and i to close on our new home on Friday. Took six months, but we've got a place. Timing is good and the one tenant is moving out so i can move somebody in that i want!

It's all very exciting even if NWArkansas is not.

NIN Concert Souls? Body Starvation Workout

2006-06-22T09:50:00.000-04:00

NIN concert at the Portland Maine Civic Center last night. One good long set. Tight and Strong. I had not seen Trent and his crew before and although I already love the music I was a bit worried since I'd heard about a lame show in Boston a couple years back. Anyway, I thought this show was top notch. The highlight was the flamboyant, stage presence incredible guitarist who leaped 10 feet from the stage and into the crowd with his guitar. Impressive.

Picked up my child from the baby sitters. Put her to bed and then cruised back into town on the motorcycle for the after NIN party at Stadium. Not a bad seen. I think DJ Stranger and Milk Gone Bad made some mad cash and the music wasn't too bad. The usual beat heavy stuff, but some melody and good energy in the crowd. I had fun talking with Jerome and dancing with Blue Medusa (Amy).

I worked my body over pretty good yesterday. Painting in the morning, skating in the afternoon for 2 hours, thrashing at the NIN concert and then groovin' at the after concert party. And then there was the after concert party after party, which was cool. Gave Bet a motorcycle ride then went upstairs for conversation. By this time my voice is completely fried and so it was mostly a bunch of one sided conversation. Don from Jay, Maine who I don't remember meeting before was cracking some good jokes. We did shots of Sambuca and argued whether there is such a thing as a soul with DeHuman8 and Scorpio girl arguing no and blond, kewl tatoo girl arguing yes.

I believe we either have personal souls for some sort of collective spiritual process going on, but I have no proof. More like a strong feeling and having seen way too much synchronicity to believe otherwise. Not really worth arguing or worrying about. Just live an engaged life and we'll all find out when we are dead!

Oh, what I was working towards with the whole body thing is that I'm managed not eat breakfast nor lunch or day snacks for the past four days and at the same time have been doing some major exercise and have managed to lose a good solid five pounds. I want to get my weight down 10 pounds so for once in my life I can get a flat stomach. Also, the fat and cholesterol in my body just isn't good anyway. I figure If I can just initially lose the weight I can keep it off because I've been steady state for many years now just with a tire around my gut.

So now I'm recovering from partying and fasting. Helps that I'm on Vacation this week. Easier to control distractions, get exercise and recover from beating on my body and mind.

I'm off to NW Arkansas next week. Yeah.

"This Shit Will Fuck You Up"

2006-06-15T02:10:00.000-04:00

Thrashed and Grooved hard at the Philly night spot called Shampoo on Willow and 7th on the Wendnesday, Nocturne Goth-Industrial night. I must say it's the biggest and people-wise the best goth-industrial scene I've ever had the pleasure of being at and I've been to many. The music in bar part of the club on the lower level sucked for most of the night with the dance floor mostly empty, nobody wants to dance to techno-industrial beat and synth music don't you stella DJ's get it? Aren't their clubs that play that shit for the preppy crowd? But then after a couple drinks I went back upstairs and checked out the scene there and it was rockin like a group newlywed orgy. And the dress at this place was good. Lots of men and women dressed sexy and freakishly. I gave the scene all I had. At my age maybe I should drop dead, but I can still kick ass with intensity matching the best of them as long as they don't break dance and I'm proud of it. In fact I'm sure I taught many a youngling many new moves tonight.

Then there was even a break for a four industrial song long mosh pit. Everybody stopped dancing and their's this annoucement form the DJ and "It" forms in a circle on the dance floor ringed by the corwd and bouncers and I'm like to some strangers: "What the fuck is going on?" "Mosh Pit!" So Pantera and Ministry and NIN "Pigs" gets played and I can't stop myself from jumping into it. I try to dance mosh and do pretty good at that, dodging with my quickness causing others to take smack down blows that were meant for me. Ha! I try to get out of the mosh when I get tired after a few minutes into the first song and the crowd and bouncers push my ass back in! Fuck! I finally get out and the NIN "PIGS" song comes on and after a short break I jump in again and holding my own just fine, risking getting my head taken off with some spinning jumps. Some guy gets thrown out the door by the bouncers and they keep going for like four five minute songs! I get out again and go back in and then get out for good. Incredible.

So it was a great intense night. There's this ledge that rings the upper level dance floor where mostly there's sexy chicks showing off. There was this one girl (and certainly she probably was not much into adulthood) with a black and white stripped tie, short jean shorts, white tank and boots with red and white stripped stalkings who I danced next to for a while. Man she good move like dripping sweet candy and I told her so (not those words) before leaving the ledge myself after six or seven intense songs.

Mostly talked brief moments with strangers. Some hag kept trying to talk with me when I was catching some AC on one of the velvet couches in the downstairs bar. Finally a half decent DJ starts spinning down there and just before I'm going to leave suddenly this great Cure song I've never heard gets played and another and another great song-oriented industrial-gothic dance tune get played also ones I haven't heard before, although I recognize the groups. There's good music to be played out there that's new. Really.

Anyway, the scene was excellent. I'm exhausted, but I'm feeling great and proud that I get still throw it down with a vengence!

Nocturne at Shampoo - Philly

2006-06-14T22:45:00.000-04:00

Okay. Nite three in Philly. I'm posting from a goth-industrial club in a warehouse district just off north east downtown. Two floors. Three cavernous dance floors on two levels and an outdoor tent. All ages with an alcohol only dance floor and bar area. Pulsating, aggressive techno industrial playing right now in the bar. Gulping a jack and coke. Checking out the risque dressed women. Velvet red fabric and brick walls, otherwise black and black lights - lots of red and yellow too. Good crowd, mixed, but mostly white. Walked through some bad streets to get here, in leather jacket and cut-off black shorts with my combat boots. Freaked a couple guys out actually, walking fast out of shadows. Report done. Gotta get throat drinking and my ass dancing.

Philly Day Two

2006-06-13T20:42:00.000-04:00

Easy install job. Quick. No stress. Skated dowtown, shredding in rush hour traffic, holding my own on the many numerous one way streets. I love inline skating, the jumps, spins, cornering and speeding amongst obstacles on smooth city streets. The euphoria is a bit of a sexual high. In fact, after a good skate I'm really charged for sex.

Evening now. Warm with a touch of himidity. Quite perect. Eating at an Italian Bar and Restaurant near the hotel. Simple night planned watching basket ball and working on thr skill buy costs for my roleplaying game. Exciting!

Back in Philly

2006-06-12T20:28:00.000-04:00

At the lounge I stumbled into on the rainy the last and 1st time i had come to downtown Philly- NOLA. I like the feel of this city. I feel an energy like when i first visited Boston as a young man. It's a certain mystery and organic complexity of people, culture and architecture. A promise of an absence of boredom seems to be made.

So i sip my wind and chill out after a long walk from my hotel. Flounder stuffed with crab on the way. Traveling for business all the time can suck, but i think this 3 nite stand might work out okay.

Planning to go out to a goth dance night on Wed. Also going to inline skate these great, narrow downtown streets both tomorrow and the next night. I'll try to post again and tell how it went.

Audio Black Night

2006-06-11T01:37:00.000-04:00

So I saw Audio Black for the first time this Saturday evening; kind of high-brow, speed heavy metal - quasi gothic. Good effects - lead singer has a glove that controls lighting effects on stage. There were also dancers and theatre style performers. Overall I was impressed. Not a big speed metal fain, but the singer could actually sing in key and didn't have to really on screeching to achieve a stage presence. The bass was a six string, which the up-scale dressed member of the band danced upon alternating between a rhythm like guitar and a lead bass, played well to the guitarist's six string, which was high toned and played through a parallel selection of at least 12 effects boxes. The drummer was intense and almost fully naked. The singer added a good voice to the sonic assault, which had long moments of melodic positioning before the true shelling began. I enjoyed the performance pieces, especially by the medusa dancers who put a sexy "thrash" into high energy belly dancing. Will I buy an Audio Black CD? Hmm? Well, probably-actually when I see it available.
The show wasn't really perfect though. There was this ASSHOLE who apparently really liked the band and "knew" them, but was taking up lime light loudly in front of the stage and moshing into the performers like a royal ignoramous - just one of those self centered pricks I'd like to stab the neck of broken beer bottle into the eye and throat of and the laugh over the dying body of.
Amy was dressed like a fiery, sexy angel. David was incognito in his own way. Tallon was tired. (So was I). Wally was all in black with classical black hat. Bet was dressed in comfy clothes. Ian cam late and called me Jef with One F. Ivar was tired as well and better start being more enthusiastic about music possibilities if he actually wants to make any good music to begin with. Amanda was bright, but unfocused. Shannon left me alone. (whew) Suzy was the first girl to throw herself at me (thank you) and was buzzed. JR (owner) recognized me and we exchanged hello gestures in the loud place. Micah was there and had dark swirls painted around his eyes like Death from Neil Gaimen's writing.
The new Geno's is a nice space and great place to see a band with it's tiered flooring. And, it still holds the essence of 13 Brown Street, the best damn dive bar I've ever know in the city of Portland, Maine. The new setup kicks ass. I just wish JR would install TAPS so I can have a pint besides a Guiness from a can.
Nuff said. Time for sleep. Plans for going surfing are happening tomorrow.

perfection sucks

2006-06-07T10:35:00.000-04:00

A quote from Amanda Palmer's of the Dresden Dolls diary motivated me to post today.

"to err while striving for perfection, the small but inevitable glitch of Real Life, is more beautiful than perfection in my book. i believe the japanese have a term for this."

http://www.dresdendolls.com/diary/

perfection sucks. it's almost perfection that is beautiful to me. i don't know why. i could guess, but that would be a waste of type. it's probably why i typically do not find the swim suit models in sports illustrated exceptionally good looking, nor the playboy models. the suv-like bodies and faces. ugh.

i'm a perfectionist. if i'm not being a perfectionist about something it means i'm just trying to get a necessary evil over and done with-waste of time. things i care about i work hard at and tweak and adjust and worry over. sometimes too much 'cause i don't get things finished. better to take my own advice and have a simple error to give character. hmm.

and as for live shows... Amanda has it right. i want good music. heck, i want kick ass great music and a show, but stopping just short of perfect or straining at the edge of what is possible and fuck up that makes it real life.

saw a tool concert a few years ago here in portland, maine. perfect show. everything. music, vocals, presentation. and it was their first on the tour. i remember that Maynard didn't come out from behind a curtain till the end. the music was oh-so perfect like the CD Lateralus that i wondered if it was all lip and instrument synched. a.k.a. milli-vanilli or something.

i don't like perfect houses. i don't like perfect lawns. i don't places where the roads are symmetrical. i like rustic, i like texture. i like my van with it's custom paint job of matte, bronze and brown. shinny sucks!

but to each there own i suppose. perhaps my fucked up past life and in ability to achieve perfection myself have me more comfortable with things that are not perfect. perhaps i'm fooling myself. hmm?

maybe. but that's the reality of it and i do know what i like!

Grimshaw, Alberta

2006-05-31T20:53:00.000-04:00

So i'm far north in Alberta Canada staying overnight in the whistle stop, blink and you'd miss it town of Grimshaw. Got this peeling paint hotel room with stains on the carpet and a velvet painting. Quiet though. There is a liquor store and bar downstairs and it's along the train tracks, but it is quiet. I like the place. Sun sets about 10:30 here, rising five hours later. Job install is going fine, but i have a scorching sore throat and haven't been eating much cause it hurts too much. This agri-industrial country. Lots of trucks and rural lifestyle. There's a rugged smiling sadness to this place. I'll be driving six hours to
Edmonton tommorow and flying away on Friday probably never to return.

Outcast

2006-05-26T17:08:00.000-04:00

Feelin' outside of it all. Not hip. Not Corporate. Not Prep. Not Family. Not Religious. Not Military. Not Jock. But Not Nothing. Out of touch with the people I see. Don't have a place anymore. Going to look inward for inspiration I guess. Off to Northern Alberta, Canada for the last week in May. Maybe up there I'll feel the answer or maybe want to kill myself.

Bet Dull Emotion Job Search Needed

2006-05-17T01:16:00.000-04:00

Home for a week or so. Went out to Plague. It was okay. I was kind of in a despondant mood and considering that I had a really great! time. Bet is back in town. I felt my heart move. She's been in Portland, Oregon for the last five years. Lisa and I were the for almost a year of that. She's back and recovering from some rough tmes apparently, which I'm guessing is a heroin or crack addition. I still feel for her when I see her on the dance floor. She is special. But, I feel little in the scene now. I don't dance with the abandon I did, say five or six years ago. I think it's because I'm stable and happy. I'm older too. Been there and done that. Angelo said hi and bought me a beer when I expressed hunger for one. I think I've (we've) reached an even keel with him. That's good. I want to live vibrantly though and it bothers me that I feel a bit unsecure and unresponsive about life. I refused to go an install trip that was quickly planned and unreasonable. I have to get another job with surving for another eight months and then with IDEXX or I have to start now and try to find another job, maybe starting as a junior programmer which is what I really want to be doing. The house inspecition is tomorrow morning. I hope for good news. Lisa wants Will to pay more. I want a secure source of income and some easy access and help with the place. I don't think $400 is necessarrily too much. Maybe $450, especially since we'd be including electricity in the deal.

Pure and Simple

2006-05-13T14:18:00.000-04:00

The true struggle of this day and age and all time is:

Religion vs. Liberty

Stupidity vs. Intelligence

Control vs. Freedom

Death vs. Life

Every struggle can be reduced to this equation, pure and simple. If you don't think so then you are fooling yourself on one side of the equation.

Which side are you on?

Home Again Blues

2006-05-06T23:31:00.000-04:00

Back home after a bunch of traveling. Canada, Hawaii, Apple Valley, CA, San Diego. Tired. Lisa was tired when I got home. Didn't have any energy in her to be affectionately happy to see me. Sorcha the baby was sleeping. Feel a bit lost and insecure for some reason. Had fun in San Diego, surfing three days straight and hanging out with Natalie. Nice hotel room I had at the Holiday Inn in Solana Beach. That's over now and I'm home on a Saturday night asking myself if I'll ever be able to be lonely and on my own without feeling a bit psycho. Just go to take life without expectations I guess. Try to chill. I'll die someday, but till then just have to be ready and willing to face every new day with some energy and courage. Fuck those voices that wonder at my own worth. Why worry? Why emotionally worry? Emotional impulses hit me hard. They churn in my gut like a raging wild fire. They die out quickly with sleep and time though. Maybe I'm just not genuine. Listening to the new Pearl Jam album and that is helping. Music is like a magical cure for the ailing soul. Or maybe it's the wine I'm drinking? Nah, alcohol is unpredictable in which way it will take you when you're feeling down. Either makes things worse or helps you forget your troubles. They don't go away. I probably should sleep, but I've got too much energy right now. Lisa and I hypothesis that Jet Lag is the soul catching up to the body when you move at the unnatural speed of a Jet Plane.

Peace River

2006-04-11T00:06:00.000-04:00

So I'm in Peace River, Canada, which is in the Northwestern part of the province of Alberta. There's this big fat river running North thru this agro-industrial wasteland. Logging, Wheat and Oil. Lots of trucks and dirt and two lane roads. Maybe it's just the season but this place is an eyesore. I've never been this far north (About 150 miles from artic circle) and I don't think ever this rural. Food sucks. Bland and boring. Taking these trips for work, I'm starting to appreciate the food I get in Portland and other places I've visited. It can be much worse. Salt and Gravy and Gross. Yum. Canadian accents are really funny. It's this high pitched sorta whiny voice. Weird and I'm surrounded by it. Photo radar everywhere. Lots of rules. Definetely not American. Oh and they have these "Rural Crime Watch" signs here. I drove for 350 miles North of Edmonton, Alberta to get here. Nice drive, but long. There's really nothing of quality here. Just a wasteland crisscrossed by four lane roads. Kinda warm right now. Big thick Ice chunks melting along the river so I know it gets cold.

Sexual Calm

2006-03-31T10:51:00.000-05:00

When I was younger I had this intense drive to fuck women. I still have it, but not in the same way. I'm no longer attracted to a woman who is not good for me. I used to be and when in a relationship I would see all these other forbidden fruits and want a juicy bite. I still have a taste for exotic fruit, but for some reason I don't crave it in the same way. I'm thankful for this and I blame it squarely on my wife Lisa. She is beautiful and wonderful and fulfills everything I need in a women and partner. Sure, there are other flavors of icecream I wouldn't mind trying, but not at the expense of this great relationship that we've built together.

How did I get to this, dare I say, peace of mind? I've never been a player, (Not good looking enough anyway) but I've always had a strong desire for variety. What changed? Why have I been happily and calmly dedicated to one woman for the last five years?

Maybe, I'm just getting older. Maybe I've calmed down and am no longer willing to risk my emotional stability on a piece of ass. Or maybe, I've had a good assortment of grilled, baked, raw and boiled ass and I've decided on what I like and how I prefer it cooked. Or maybe I don't want to make a mess of the kitchen again.

No don't get me wrong. I still get a thrill when a new woman shows me favor. My imagination can still run wild and I see things I would really really like to get my hands on, literally.

What I really think it is, is something like good old friends. You don't throw them away. Two people, like Lisa and I, who are compaitible build something between us that is intricate and special and great and wonderous and no tawdry affair could ever compare. Maybe age gives me the experience not to be foolish and try.

A realtionship takes work and time and that brings great reward. Lisa and I are still reaching new heights of our relationship and even sexual wonder. It's good stuff.

An affair or one night stand wouldn't compare and although it could be fun and thrilling, I suppose with the right person, but it wouldn't be worth the price to be paid. I suppose if there wasn't a price to be paid, I might be more likely to try, but otherwise it just isn't worth it and I'm not motivated to throw my life away on some other woman. Many women are a lot of difficult work anyway. Rarely do they just want to have fun and adventure. There's always more going on and heavy stuff to trudge through.

However I'm likely to fantasize about another woman with Lisa taking part as well. Lisa and I, We're together almost like a Oneness. So perhaps together that oneness could find someone to seduce, but still in binary fashion. Ah, now that's a thrill that might be worth it. But it probably would be messy too.

Ah... But you don't want life to get too settled and boring...Does one? So I'll stay motivated and willing for that fantasy.

Mystical Saturday

2006-03-31T10:49:00.000-05:00

Bourbon Street is a great, drunken brawl of a party, but I like the south east corner of the French Quarter. The scene there is more hip and not so annoying; sorta artsy, hangoutish-probably where the local folk would tend to go.

I believe that there is a mystical energy to us all that communicates on a dimension that the physical senses do not perceive. If you observe social events, individually and in groups there is a fated way that people interact and interface with each other. Sorta like the idea of pheromones, but I don't think it's that. We draw people to us and push others away. We sense and react intuitively to people and even places, but I think it's based on life. It's what dogs sense. You probably think I'm being foolish, but it would explain a lot.

Maybe that is a bunch of bull shit. You perceive how people are dressed and hold themselves probably on an unconscious level and you react to it. It's pure animal instinct and it's happening in that ancient part of our brain.

Still, when the fates are involved I have to wonder?

Tired tonight-Saturday night in New Orleans. I saw the movie with Jonny Depp called Libertine-an abstratct historical fictional piece about being a drunk, womanizer and general cynical rebel. I liked it, but it isn't for everybody and don't expect to energized and happy after the flick is over.

I had overpriced bad food, but good key lime pie. I went back to the Red Dervish for a drink. Danced to Facination Street by the Cure. The song had been on for at least half that long instrumental intro before I was the lone person walking onto the dance floor. And then it was flooded as if I'd broken some sort of damn. My legs weren't up to anymore and I took my Makers and Coke and decided to walk home while enjoying a smoke. I like drinking out doors. Stupid that you can't do it most places.

Leg wise and energy wise you have to undertand that I've been excersing everyday. Running two or three miles and swiming and roller blading like today and yesterday in New Orleans. Streets are rough and you have to be good at dodging people and cars. I tried pushing out to see the flood damaged regions and I did see a bit, but the roads were too fucked up and I turned back. As you go out from the French Quarter it goes from being 1 in every 10 building are fucked up to 2 in 10 the next block and then 3 of 10 and then 5 of 10 and then whole neighborhoods look like war zone. Place are boarded up and there is piles and scattered debris everywhere. Not pretty.

Point is that I'm exhausted after all this excersice and partying last night. I made it to 1AM this evening so I think I'm doing pretty good. Nothing over the top to report though. Hopefully I'll sleep well!

Oh, it's a little slow here in the French Quarter from what I'm told, but generally the party scene in this place is alive and well, I am pleased to report.

No Reflection

2006-03-31T10:48:00.000-05:00

I looked in the mirror and i didn't see my reflection?

New Orleans. Friday Night. Absinthe. Bourbon. New Castle. Corona. You get the idea.

Dungeon. Core neu-metal-industrial club. Guy named Richard buys me a beer and introduces me to his crew. Tells me about this placed called the Red Dervish on Decauteur. Got told to drink more by aggressive staff or Dungeon would be shut down. Fuck them. I went to the Red Dervish.

Dance my fuck off. Met Cara, her boyfriend and her ex named Seth. Seth won't dance in public. Pussy! I danced my ass off. It's somewhere dragging behind me. I consume much alcohol more. Seth buys me a drink. What is it with guys buying me drinks? Oh, I cant' complain, I'm drunk now. Seth asks if I graduated high school in 2000? Ha!! I lie and say 1992 which is six years off and the guy is blown away saying he can't believe I'm 32. 32? Ha! That's great!

This is Friday night. Saturday to follow.

I realized last night that dancing is basically "sport" or physical activity that women actually tend to excel at over men. Football, basketball, soccer they have to be in their own league to compete, but dancing it's a whole different story. Generally speaking, women kick ass over men when it comes to moving their body to music. They are just better at it from a cultural, body control, let themselves go point of view. Some still suck of course. But Now, I'm a good dancer. Probably the best male improvastaion dancer you'll ever see, but most women easy kick ass. Maybe it's cause I'm a guy that I see it this way.

So, if my friends want my core thoughts then you should subscribe to my "myspace" blog. I'm going to start posting really honest core thoughts. I see no reason not to. I'm older and married with a child, but still hip and relevant. I can let loose without worry 'cause I don't have too much to lose socially. I suppose I might not get invited to as many parties, but I figure the experience of telling it how it is in my local social scene might be worth the possible fireworks that result. I'll tell it like it is and see how many bridges get burnt or built. Fuck it. Life is too boring not to make stuff happen!

Now why is it I come to New Orleans and all the people I meet think I'm cool? Nobody goes out of there way in Portland to show that they think I'm worth knowing. People are way too friendly here mayble. Or maybe people in Portaland are way too mean. What do you think?

Ian has got it right. He tends to go out of his way to engage in speaking to new people who enter the boundaries of his scene. He doesn't judge them on looks or attitude until he's spoken to them. It seems to be kind of like that here in New Orleans. The guy at the Dungeon just walked up to me with a beer for me and engaged me in conversation. And that was in a dark, industrial club. Go figure.

Sothern Louisiana

2006-03-31T10:47:00.001-05:00

I'm in Southern Louisiana in a place called Houma and it's fucking cold!!! Well 55 degree's but it sucks because I know it should be warmer. I hate the cold. I don't know why I put up with living in Maine. Oh wait, yes I do- it sucks the least from anywhere else I've been besides climate. I'm going to go hunting crawfish. They're good. yum. Sucks that I missed the first night plague. I wonder if I spelled the rampaging disease word or the stuff that grows on teeth? Anyway, I will be there late next week and the week after. It sucks not having a good dark, sexy, indsutrial - gothic place to hang out at.Maybe Portland now has one. This Houma and Thibideax area has some nice Bayou, but the civilization part of it is plaza crap sprawl. Doesn't anywhere built up after WWII know how to zone for a quality community. Not everybody is addicted to the automobile. Or maybe most everybody is, but I'm not. Why does all the big box stores have to be crammed along some stupid strip where walking from place to place would be worth your life and not worth the trouble. Distribute things a bit. Should have a limit of one big box store per square mile. The worst part about the equation is that zoning and building this way makes traffic worse and life harder not easier as the parking lot all in one palce concept would have you believe. This results in boring huge dead end residential zones and puke disgusting highways of parking lot plazas often jam packed with traffic. What has happened to Quality of Life? Doesn't anybody besides me want it?

NW Penn

2006-03-31T10:47:00.000-05:00

I'm in North Western Pennsylvania for work. Nice mountain country, but damn backwoods people. I imagine these are the kinda places that have customs and culture and laws that are so conservative and life squashing that any person with any brains gets out. Not that it needs mentioning but it seems very religious here with Jehovas and Quakers and Othordox this and Baptist that buildings everywhere.

I'm doing okay if anybody cares. Don't like the fact that I'm going to miss Plaugue Tuesday night, but oh well. I'll catch up next week hopefully. (I fly in late.)

I'll be heading to New Orleans and the bayou of southern Louisiana on Wednesday so that will be warmer. Probably just a religious though, but the weekend I'm going to spend in the New Orleans French Quarter and maybe I'll do some devastation touring.

Not A Priority

2006-02-27T09:02:00.000-05:00

Hi Internet World.

I could post about my recent trip to San Francisco.

Or how any product or service that requires a monopoly in order to be delivered to the market place should be operated by a citizen corporation.

Or about how fucked up our existance in Iraq is and point out that the stupid US invasion is the cause of all the problems.

I could talk about my beautiful girl Sorcha, now 10 months old, and how amazing and wonderful she is and how she is infinetely more important to me than any foreign, money sucking war.

Perhaps the "Carnival" party that I went to over the weekend and all the drunken debauchery that took place would be a fitting subject.

I could complain about compainies that become successful through independent and dedicated work of employees and then after success become a corporate as possible in an attempt to destroy continued success.

Or about how in searching to buy a home I've realzied that there is a lot of hugely over priced crap out there. And how the interior insight I've had into many of these other people's homes and ways of setting up their homesteads have me pucking. It amazes me what people are asking for piece of shit properties that I literally want to laugh in their face after I've seen the place!

Heck, I could even talk about my "BOVIE" multimedia invention idea.

But, alas, all this would be recieve with the importance of the Maine weather (which I could talk about) and perhaps any of the subjects above would be enteratining to the few who do visit this little blog, but really should I dedicate the time? Why?

So I'm going to pause for the forseeable future. There are other things I want to do and trying to write often enough to have any real affect or following is unessassary work and probably just gets my ass in more trouble then is worth.

For there is one thing that is becomming obvious to me and that is that the social mold of this world is becomming a disitegrating fire ball with parts flying off into their own cultural and philosophical minorities. This is for the better, but I can see that I'm becomming a far flung particle of that streaming and exploding comet. I have little in common with the remaining majority and all the other fragments of society ripping away are uniquely different as well. This is a good thing actually, but it calls to attention that the pop-culture and moral majority standards of society are out of touch with my reality and me with them. Trying to appeal to the majority of even a simpathetic minority is just not a practical matter. And, being my fiery fragment of culture and philosopy, I find that most other people are living stupidily and ignorantly. As much as I'd like to change that fact, it's not bloody likely and therefore not worth the effort.

When this blog becomes a consistent outlet for my philosophies and ideas I'll start poting reliable agian.

As a minimum until then I'll just say:

Live for yourself and now... certainly not for a fantasy representation of an after life death.

"The goal of all things is universal chaotic balance." Anarchy Zen

Reward & Rebate Trickery

2006-01-23T10:51:00.000-05:00

So I got this rebate thing from Staples and ScanDisk. It was for 20$ and I had the rebate code on my receipt, which I still have. I went to the web site and put in my number and asked for my rebate back. I got a couple emails confirming the process and then three weeks later I get a little postcard in the mail saying that the "Easy Rebate ID" number submitted does not qualify for the offer.

What a bunch of marketing bullshit. This is standard practice for business. Make complicated programs that require to jump through a bunch of hoops and then say no and wait for the consumer to complain. If they do, then sometimes fix it, but not always.

I haven't taken the step to call the customer service number yet. I plan to, but you see this requires making the time and effort. Staples and ScanDisk know that it is more likely that I'll forget or not bother or perhaps I've lost or forgot to save my original receipt. It's unethical probability game they are playing. I'll tell them that I'll call the better business bureau and explain that I've already posted a complaint on my "famous" blog. Wonder if that will help get me my $20 bucks.

And this is why I hardly try to take advantage of any marketing schemes. Just tell me what the price tag is and let me buy the product based on that price, quality and functionality to meet my needs. You can take any rebates or cash back or reward cards and just stick them up your ass. I'm not biting and I more likely to assume your current price is inflated, the product is of lower quality and that I can expect horrible customer support and therefore ignore that product all together.

In this case, it was a duplicate product of something I already had one of (a memory stick) and knew it would work the way I expected. Also I was buying it for work and would be reimbursed, the rebate just a refund benny.

We have to major supermarkets here in Portland, ME. "Shop 'n Save" and "Shaws". Shaws has one of those ridiculous reward card programs that put at least two annoying price tags on every item trying to trick you into believing you're saving money. It's all bullshit. Shop 'n Save doesn't do this practice and the grocery shopping experience is much easier and laid back and I swear that the overall quality of the customers there is much better.

Anyway, Shaws started the reward card and tracking program about six years ago and the companies had similar market share. Now? Shop 'n Save is kicking Shaws ass and I love it. I'd like to think it's customers telling Shaws what they can do with their stupid reward card program. All this info is second hand, but from shopping you can experience first hand how the quality of shopping at Shaws has gone way down and Shop 'n Save way up. There may be other factors.

These reward cards are a joke when applied to a large common denominator business like grocery stores. Yeah, for a custom, independent shop like an album store or bicycle shop or gaming store or whatever local place of business it seems a reasonable thing for me to join and accept. I've been a member of Bull Moose's reward program since it's inception over 10 years ago, however the quality the program really sucks no a days and I just keep using it because I might as well - (I generally like the record store)

But for national chains and grocery stores. Give me a break. How many stupid fucking cards to you have to carry in your wallet or purse. And navigating all the price breaks and trying to take advantage of rewards like the ScanDisk thing I noted above is really a pain. I worry that everybody will do it and then in order to get regular price you have to work just to spend your money.

You work to make money and then you have to work to spend it. Ha! And you often get bent over and fucked in both processes. Yeah Capitalism!

(i.e. Capitalism: An economic method for making life as big a pain in the ass as possible by enslaving 95% of the participants who have the illusory hope that someday maybe they can become part of the 5% who rule their asses or are under the mistaken impression that Capitalism equals freedom.)

So I call on all readers of the "famous" Anarchy Zen Blog: Ignore this marketing trickery. If someone is offering something and then dangling something else shiny that you can grab for, then you got to assume they are just going to pull it away when you reach for it.

Most All Books Suck

2006-01-19T00:39:00.000-05:00

So I travel by flying a lot for my job. On average about 35% of the time I'm gone from home. To my friends it must seem like more, but that's cause I'm not always available when something is going on.

Anyway, a great way to pass the time in airports and in the air is to read. I like to read. But I have a hard time finding a good book to read. Generally I like science fiction-fantasy, but not for the usual reasons you might thing. It's because they are more likely to tell an interesting and non-stereotypical story.

I hate murder mysteries and romance and crime novels and horror and even political novels, although I have read a couple Tom Clancy novels that were okay. Thing is, almost all the best seller fictional paperbacks are stories on topics I find politically correct and boring. I scan the bookshelves looking for something that's a bit counter culture or from a different point of view, but all I see is crap.

Even most science fiction-fantasy is crap. I've already read the teen style medieval and magic stuff. Yawn. The troubled king or the person with hidden magical powers is just a tired read that's been done so many times before. I don't care about the rebel barbarian or amazon princess or any of that "young" mind been there done that stuff. A good fantasy book about a bunch of thieves or pirates i haven't done yet, but I haven't seen it to read either.

But I continue to search mostly in vain for good fictional stories. And my comments here go for television as well. There are counter culture story lines that are just not being written and I don't understand why because I think they would do well. I'd certainly buy them and I think a lot of other people would buy/watch to because, to start with, its different and interesting.

Where is the story of the underground rebels seeking to overthrow the united state government? Hmm? With all the philosophical reasons why and why not and easy thriller, why can't I find that topic to read? Or, how about the mad scientist who creates a plague to wipe out humanity, aka bird flu, so that he and a few others can have the earth to themselves. Or maybe a more focused story of a group of people who take over a city for all the right reasons? Or a story about the cop killer. Maybe a story about a drug dealer and a gang of cohorts? Maybe a bunch of off kilter researches trying to hijack the stock market.

Most importantly. Where are the stories from the stereotypical "bad-guys" point of view. What's with all this politically correct point of view crap. I want a dark hero. I want to see the world get turned upside down. I don't want to read about how life was made safer by some cop or military asshole. I want to read about how some Individual beat the odds and told society to go fuck itself.

I want to read about the terrorist who successfully blows up 100,000 people and gets away with it. I want to read about the thief and scientist who invent a semi AI robot to rob banks. I want to read about a gang of hackers who bring the US government to it's knees. I want to read about a man on the run who nonetheless makes life a little better for those he runs into. Or the whore who does drugs and goes on a rampage killing all the bad cops and male jerks she encounters. Maybe a guy who subverts religious belief and sets souls free of theology.

I don't want to read a book about the stereotypical good guy. I want books about the bad guy with "happy" or at least compelling endings. I want people with problems who nonetheless find a way to make their lives work from the dark side.

Like Natural Born Killers or Pulp Fiction. Those are good example of bad guy story told right. Tarantino certainly knows what I'm talking about and that why I like him. Even Oceans 11 and 12 fit.

Apparently only do gooder authors get to be published. Or at least that's what happens.

I was always upset with that X-files spin off of when the geeks become private eyes of a sort. In the X-files series they were the ones Moulder would go to when he had and "other-wordly" problem to solve and no scientist or researcher in the FBI would be able to help him. They were freaky and geeky and a bit bumbling, but they new their shit and could get the job done.

Then they make this stupid spin off and make them a bunch of fuck up idiots with these hero types that get them out trouble. But their charm and following was that they were freaks and geeks and misunderstood, but they DID NOT fuck up. They might have slipped up a bit here in there, but they knew their shit and they came thru and were successful because they were freaks and geeks not despite that. Of course changing that truth caused the series to suck and got canceled.

Anyway, all those best sellers seem all the same. Boring plot. Boring topic. Oh no! Mr. Bill, someone got murdered. We have to find them and make the world safe for the ignorant.

For once I want a book about the ignorant getting fucked up the ass real good and none of the hero types can do a damn thing about it.

Gore Rips into Bush

2006-01-16T20:34:00.000-05:00

I flipped through C-SPAN on Monday Night and there was Al Gore telling it how it is. No one else has but he has rightfully and righteously beat on the current executive administration's shredding of the constitution. It's about time somebody in a leadership position spoke out against the horrible illegal things that Bush has been doing. We are in a crossroads as a nation and I've been so frustrated watching the country I'm a member of ruin it's future and the quality of life of it's citizens. Gore spoke of the obvious illegallity of President Bush's actions (privacy, torture, secret imprisonment of citizens) and alluded to how this is just the worse tip of the iceburg.

Anybody who doesn't think that we've become a land of the rich and not rich and that the not rich are being enslaved by those rich and that we no longer live in a real democracy with the bill of rights as proctection against the tierny of the majority is sadly ignorant of freedom and helping ruin the lives of 95% of the people in this country and slowly are helping to destroy a nation in its long run.

We must turn back the power of our government and the executive branch. The current course of our government in nation is one of misery and ruin.

Does anyone else understand?

Gambling With Cards

2006-01-09T13:09:00.000-05:00

So I played poker Sunday night, Texas Hold-em tournament style. The apartment hosting the game featured a shoes on smoking inside rule, which was interesting and an ironic breath of fresh air after going through some of the environmental airlock chamber and decantamination locker room some of my friends places have at the front door.

Out of eight I was the second person without any chips left. The bets started high and if you got burned on a couple hands in a row then you probably had little money left. I got burned. Not a biggy. I do it for social get together and fun. I play to win mind you, but I try not to take it too seriously. $20 bucks is what I would spend minimum on a night out anyway so no loss.

Some of friends who play I worry about though. Andy, down in Boston quit his programming job and was hanging out at Foxwoods, CT all the time for a good couple years. That kind of thing makes me worry. Hopefully he's living in an apartment now and not the home he owned because he sold it at the top of the market price and not because he had to sell to pay off his debts. I worry about a few of the guys around here as well; worried that they are playing with the grocery money or electric bill.

We started out many months ago playing on Fridays for fun, but it has become intense at times. This tournament was a bit too serious for me and not much fun therefore at least this time. No, it's not cause I didn't place. Just I'm doing it for the social get together and joking around and listening to music while having a few beers kinda thing.

Any who. That's gambling. Can be quite a thrill and the expectation of winning and then losing can really crush you. And I think the worst part about gambling is when you do have a chunk of change involved and you get pushed into (almost a pride thing) investing more in the hopes (chasing cards) that you'll win. Gambling has a way of blinding you when you've got a lot of money in the pot or from the bank account at risk and you can't stop yourself from throwing good money after bad (already lost).

Waunakee Wisconsin

2006-01-06T11:10:00.000-05:00

The Country Inn and Suites in Waunakee, WI should be leveled and a Porta Potty erected in it's place as a monument to crappy quality, value and customer service.

Besides being greeted rudely the first day I came here, last night while trying to sleep in this noisey motel, it was about 2:30 AM and I'm just falling asleep when a herd of Elephants start stampeding on the floor above me. I endured it for ten or twenty minutes, disappointed that I had not successfully found my way to dreamland, and then put on jeans and my jacket and went to find out what the hell was going on. I found the overnight person cleaning the room above me!

So I said in a loudish voice: "So that's what's making all the noise. You're cleaning the room above me, you know?" She said, "She smiled and laughed and said, SSHHH., people are sleeping." I said, "No Really? Yeah, I am and I'm right below you and you sound like a heard of Elephants." She said, "Oh" and then laughed and tried to use those meaningless customer service words that are intangible to the fact that you are being bent over and fucked up the ass. I said, "That's right laugh. This poor excuse for a motel is noisey, low class and I have a 500 watt light shining in my window and now you have to clean room in the middle of the night." And I stalked off downstairs.

At least she stopped cleaning the room.

And, of all the accents of English, I think the people hear have the strangest and most irratating accents. Now I understand why there is so much killing in the movie Fargo. The childish voice sends a person into a state of mind where killing these fucks doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

Intangible Stage Performances

2005-12-28T12:33:00.000-05:00

Played pool last night. Bunch of us there drinking pitchers of beer and trading games over two pool tables. Jim and Rachel from Baltimore were there and Ian was "forced" to drink a double shot of whiskey, which being before work night made him a little leery of it, but definitely super-charged him into the social banshee screaming discordant xmas carols that he's so good at. Whisky is good for supercharging. I wonder how he's doing today?

Well, back at his place after 1AM he's still flying a little bit and we were discussing Ian and Inge's wedding plans and Ian is looking forward to an all out, over the top, expressionistic bash and celebration that will involve all his talented friends showing off there abilities to mark the occasion and hopefully freaking out his family and anybody else who needs freaking out. Knowing Ian and Inge it will be an event not to miss.

So Ian was going on about how so many of his friends are just incredible, whether it be fire-spinning, juggling, playing stand-up bass or stilt walking or drumming, Calligraphy, Costume design and/or whatever... the list goes on, and he's in awe of their intuitive talents and feels immensly fortunate to know all these talented people. However, he expressed being somewhat disappointed in himself because he doesn't have an ability that matches the level of all these friends in each of their master talents. He seemed somewhat saddened by this, but appreciative of being involved with these people anyway.

I don't know the timeline of the conversation now, but I asked him what he wanted me to do for the wedding. Ian thought for a moment, his brow creasing and that drawn out hesitation way of his affecting his voice. "Sorry Jeff. You don't have anything you do unless you count inventing Strategy Games and we're not all going to pick colors to play a game during the wedding. Please don't be insulted." I was a little chilled at first that it appeared I was so useless for his event. He continued, "I just need you to be there...," He couldn't put his finger on exactly what it was and why that was important to him, but there was something: "your celebratory audience presence and membership will make everything better," is the gist of what he was getting at.

Now, I do have lots of talents, but like many of us there just not easily apparent and displayable. It was realized by Ian and Brant that my Tarot reading is quite damn uncanny and prophetic and I'm certainly the one who tends to do it the best in the tribal friend group. I am quite inventive. I industrial dance like a dervish. I've got lots and lots of energy when I turn it on. I can do automobile maintenance and drive for 24 hours straight with barely a break, including being a great night driver. I'm trick speed inline skater. I've written a book and invented a complex but practical strategy game. I play guitar and bass and have written songs, but not on a performance level. Heck, I'm a Gemini: I good at lots and lots different of stuff, but I'm not great at any one thing I suppose. And certainly I'm not good at anything, except for maybe Tarot or maybe roller-blading, that can be displayed on a stage. I'm certainly quite accomplished as a sum of my parts, just not one thing that can easily be displayed stands out.

Ian, with his own set of talents, is somewhat the same way. He says he doesn't have talents like his friends, but he does. His great talent is social leadership, networking and manipulation (in a good way). But like many of my skills, that's not something you can put up on a stage of display. Actually, Ian and Inge's wedding will be the grand display of that skill. Without Ian all those great skills and friends wouldn't have a stage together. The whole event, if appreciated properly, will be the result of Ian's seemingly wild and seemingly extroverted social talents. I look forward to the day and my "humble" place in it.

You see, my humble place in this wedding as a spectator isn't really that humble and this day for me is not a competition anyway. I will be a good forcefully supportive energy in the crowd. Someone willing to make sure things happen. I'll go with flow and feed my energy into whatever is happening. Sadly, in a way, I'm sorta the fall guy. I've often been the one in a social group who "takes the fall" so that others can feed off that release of energy. Ian is this way too, actually. We're both touch, although Ian has a better social Teflon. (i.e. he gets forgiven easier). Really what we do is make other people better. We highlight an event by our supprt and energy.

Anyway, what I really wanted to say before I got sidetracked is that not all talents and abilities that we have are things that can be put on a stage and displayed. We can't all be the leading actors in the movie, but those people wouldn't have that stage to perform on if it wasn't for those people in the background like Ian and Me. The script writers and producers and camera operators are behind the scenes and feed into the glory of the actors who get to focus all the background talents through them.

I guess, it does disappoint me that I don't have a stage specific talent or ability to perform for Ian and Inge's wedding, especially given that Ian has stated how appreciative he is that certain people will be there for him. It made me think about and try to figure out exactly what it is that "I do", "What do I bring to the table of life?", "what is my worth in my friend groups", And even, "Why do or should I care?"

We all break up into friend groups that appreciate us for the talents we have I suppose. You'll catch Ian performing at a fire spinning competition, but not the quarter back for the championship football game. I suppose it comes down to what you value. But I bet a lot of people don't get out and do things because the whole talent and artistic ability thing can be competitive.

"Why even try? I'll just stay home and watch TV and live my boring life," One might subconsciously say to themselves."

So I remind myself and you that our worth is not defined by a singular event, a singular friend or even a specific group of friends and it's not completely personal either. It's all these relationships between people and not everything you do has a stage for display. And the general society at large might not value who you are and what you can do.

We are all capable of being the alpha "male" in some one for some moment of time. No one is alpha-anything all the time. It's not black and white like that. We all have out talents whether they be easily observed or not and often without our background presence or idea or skill that more displayable ones wouldn't happen. Too bad that didn't have more value, but the invisible is hard to see.

So what do you bring to the table of life? Is it a seemingly intangible something? What do you have to offer? Can it be measured? Can it be displayed? Do you value the spotlight? Are you afraid of the spotlight? Are you envious of the person in the spotlight?

Ever thought about what is your Alpha-Something and in what group of people?

Maybe, like me, your a whole bunch of Betas! But general society and friend groups do not hand out recognition for being second place in a hundred different somethings. You get value and recognition for being the best at One thing. It's actually a very capitalistic concept.

So after all this, my advice is: Value yourself, but if you really want to stand out then pick something and be the Very Best at it with the specific narrow group of people you associate with. You can't be alpha-something in every area and every friend group and at every skill because you spread yourself to thin.

So if I wanted to be on the stage of life performing I would have to concentrate on just one thing and work at being the best at it, but I would have to let go all my other interests and let go the importance of all my friends except my primary friend group. Trouble is that's not me and doing something like that is probably not you. I value, even though not society, I value all the Beta and Intangible things that I am. It's innate to who I am and even though others can't put there finger on what exactly what makes me special, the sum of all those parts is what it is and I think the whole is greater than those Beta parts.

I Probably couldn't become the best at anything in one stage displayable thing for one group of people even if I tried. Nor do I really want to.

I'm one of those variety is the spice of life kinda people.

(IF you've read this far I applaud your effort. This entry was written in mostly one stream of consciousness so I apologize for any errors)

Desert Agrindustrial Wasteland

2005-12-19T23:47:00.000-05:00

Hi, I'm in Bakersville, California. What a hole. This place is a nice foamy mix of everything i hate about a place. The people here are so fuckin' ignorant, careless, mean and slow. The poor service industry people must be worked over and have to scrape by because they seem so pitiful.

There are so many animals at the vet clinic with tumors that i'm seriosly not going to drink the water anymore.

Traffic sucks in this wasteland of plaza and surburban spraw hell.

However there is a metal station here that is dark and insane and i like it. KRAB the crab! His and her pubic hair razors were advertized.

Well at least now i understand why KORN got started here.

I need a muse

2005-12-19T01:43:00.000-05:00

I need a muse. Something that motivates me daily instead of these quick fixes I get from out of now where that hang out for an hour or so and then disappear.

I want to make things happen. That’s exciting, but it’s awful messy. Being the fire starter often gets you burned, but stuff happens.

Muse. Fire Starting. I guess I get bored with life. Well not exactly, it’s just I like things happening. I like to participate. I’m not a watcher. I like to be a part things, not watching them happen.

A muse would motivate me. My girl, Sorcha, is a definite muse, but she’s also a lot of work so I don’t have much extra energy and time when I’m around her. Lisa, my wife, well she’s my rock of support and although often giving my inspiration, we don’t have a lot participatory stuff in common. She listens to my guitar and singing attempts and my writing – she’s tough. Maybe I take her for granted. I guess she doesn’t give me direct encouragement. I don’t think she realizes I need it. Being a new mother and working a professional job, maybe she doesn’t have the energy and time to be my muse.

A muse, makes you want do things for the sake of doing them and it’s not necessarily a person. Could be a beautiful peace of property. Maybe a social scene or club. Heck, could be a job, but the one I’ve got, although good paying, isn’t an artistic motivator. It could be college or learning a talent. Could be being part of band. Maybe a blog?

A muse can motivate you to really get your mojo going in life. Make you really want live it. Sometimes a muse cause trouble though. Sometimes a muse is just a short term thing leaving you worse off when the romanticism is done.

Hmm. I still need a muse.

Giving Change

2005-12-14T09:18:00.000-05:00

This is a public service suggestion.

Will cashiers please not put the coins on top of the bills when giving change back.

Give the loose change first so that the customer can cup the coins in their hand while gripping the bills and receipt. Otherwise it's a balancing act and annoying.

Yes, i know this seems a little thing but multiply it by the many many time you get change and it becomes clear thats it is annoying.

And for me it sends the signal of lazy, rude and ignorant.

What it really means is that the person giving the change can't do math. Giving the coins before the dollars screws up their little minds and isn't orderly.

Oh, how dare you count out of order you AZ scoundrel!

God Saved My Ass

2005-12-13T12:16:00.000-05:00

Coffee Time.

I think I'll start writing in this blog over my morning coffee. My daily seven readers should get volume rather than quality writing, no?

When I hear someone say: "god saved my ass" I lose all respect for my society, but I understand what is trying to be said, which is: "damn I was lucky".

God didn't save you. The is not some god watching out for you. Perhaps a guardian angel or a twist of spiritual fates, but not this person named God.

Try this response when you fall a mile in the sky and the parachute doesn't open but you live: "I got very lucky, I'm going to make the most of my life now cause it could have just ended." That to me would be reasonable and not egotistical.

I don't think people naturally handle responsibility for themselves well. We want to credit/blame our situation on god or someone else. There are definetely many things so far out of your control that you have none, but that's just the way it, the unfairness of life.

You get born into a rich family and can spend your 20's jet setting around the world on a trust fund, well that's not god giving you a good start in life. That's you getting lucky and hopefully you appreciate it.

You getting some horrible disease that gives you the shakes and you can't walk and throw up all the time, taking meds just to survive hopefully to the next day. That's you getting the shitty end of life's stick and you have not choice but to deal.

God was not involved. There is no original sin.

Of course I do believe that the degree of feeling happiness or sadness is not relative between different people's situations. When the trust fund person feels sad they feel just as sad as geneitic disease person and when genetic disease person feels happiness they feel it equally as the trust fund person does.

That's what's interesting. Your perspective determines your happiness. Not your relative situation. Even how often a person is happy or sad is not based on their situation. If you don't compare yourself to other people you can be happier more often, or sadder I suppose.

Coffee Done.

Victory Has Been Accomplished

2005-12-12T09:29:00.000-05:00

Bush and the American Media are being kinda stupid about the perspective of this Victory in Iraq thing.

We already had victory in Iraq. I might not agree with having started the war in the first place, but we did go in and defeat the military and remove the government. That was the victory. There is no other definition for winning. We won. End of story.

Our government should stick with that line. All the rest of this "war" is just the attempt to stabilize the government, which is a tall order and not worth our effort. It's not up to us to fix decades and centuries of cultural and religious problems. Democracy is not the solution for people of extremes trying to live together. These are not things I enjoy spending 100 Billion dollars a year try to take care of for a people who ultimately won't appreciate it.

We should publicize a pull out date say three months from now and leave no matter what. If we get terrorist leadership or a dictatorship again or for whatever stupid foreign policy region the Bush administration can come up with then we simply go back in before the country stabilizes around that leadership and kick there ass again. And then leave again.

It's the staying there part that is stupid.

The Battle has been one. Game Over until next time we need to go back in and do what our military is truly good at doing.

But I think that the current administration wants a base in Iraq and some sort of government there that they can leverage. This occupation of Iraq is probably about this kind of thing.

Apparently we've learned little about Imperialism and Colonization, nor have the Vietnam and Korean Wars of foreign occupation served as a good enough example. And it's costing you and I a lot of $$ to finance something that has such little real value. What a waste this Occupation is in dollars and bodies and National Attention.

Heck, I'm wasting words on the topic right now.

I hereby declare VICTORY in the aggressor "WAR" in Iraq.

However, the "OCCUPATION" continues with no end in sight.

In fact, remember all the milestones paraded about in the media that was supposed to mark and end to the conflict? Catching Saddam. The drafting of a Constitution. The voting for the Constitution. And now the Elections? I suppose there's the conviction of Saddam in Court left to do. (And what a joke that's turning out to be.)

Do any of you really think in of this will lead to stability in a culture of extremism and willingness to blow oneself up for the glory of Jesus - Oops - I mean Allah.

Off Travelin' For Work

2005-12-04T11:14:00.000-05:00

I'm off traveling again. Be back for late Fri the 8th for the Zootz reunion and Saturday day and night for the goth event at Geno's. Flying to "R-Kan-Saw" for the beginning of the week and then Syracuse on Wednesday. After my Saturday off I'm out for another week and a half to the West Coast and I'll be back the Thursday before xmas-hopefully. I'm wondering when I'm going to get caught by my first snow storm and canceled flight!

GET IT? or DONT GET IT?

2005-11-30T16:01:00.000-05:00

I've decided that there are really two different types of people. Those that GET IT and those that just DON'T GET IT.

Here in Portland, Maine I was raised by and surrounded by fools that didn't get it while growing up. My local radio stations only played repeat the same song classic rock and bubble gum worthless pop. I watched TV all the time. Nobody did anything interesting or tried to do anything besides trudge through their lives. School was so vanilla, that most interesting thing that ever happened was a school yard fight once in awhile and even that what ridiculous. I used to think watching the news was important and I'd would look expectantly towards the local weather report. About the most interesting things I did was play D & D and run around in the woods and at least MTV came on the scene in the Mid-80s.

But then I finally got away from that place and started living my own life. Actually that's not true. I joined the Navy to get out of that place and did see a lot more of the world, but the transition to enlightenment was not immediate. Hanging out with my friend Pete in college in Boston I started to realize there was more to life than the television and there were other social scenes beside 9 to 5 boring, but of course I was still in the Navy. Thankfully being released out of the life controlling jail of the Navy six years later, Charleston, SC continued the transition with going to college and experimenting with living life with my own social rules, dress and drama. I also started meeting more interesting people such as my first bi-chick and dancing at a no rules style semi-gay club, introduced to NIN and discovering the rich fabric and rebel cool of grunge. I picked up a bass guitar and realized you didn't have to be some childhood talent and been to music school to rock out and jam with friends.

Finally back in Portland the transition took a sharp turn for the best. My awareness opened to 80's New Wave music that I'd never heard before. There was a cool genre mixing nightclub called Zootz that became my evening home. I met really cool woman and had some exciting relationships with good sex. I went overseas to Europe and Venezuala. Late 20's and I was just finding who I really was and starting to understand what it means to really live. I started realizing that there were local underground things like bands that were awesome and worthwhile and that there was much more than just the national advertised products of life. I discovered Gothic - Industrial music and dancing and threw myself into a sorta higher understanding of reality, music and style. I took some risks, got some big black boots, got a kewl tatoo, wore a skirt for the first time dance.

Then I traveled with my steady girl to the West Coast living in San Diego and Portland, OR and drove around the whole country. I really tried to feel what it was to live in a different place. I started to realize that in many ways all these places were the same with all the advertised, "expected" goals and dreams and auto/TV zoning and way of life. I wasn't impressed overall with much about these other places but I did become a surfing fanatic, discovered poetry and spoken word and managed to write a book.

Returning to Portland I had come full circle physically from where I started, but my personality and spiraled to higher plane of understanding and awareness. This whole transition did not come without a lot of painful moments and certainly misunderstandings from people who saw me changing and didn't understand. And now I have a daughter and a job I basically like.

My biggest problems happen now when my way of life rubs up against the bigger mainstream way of life and then things are difficult and there is the danger of misunderstanding. But I don't get upset. I've got reality. I KNOW who I am now. I'm not searching and I have come to the understanding that I'm one of the few who are there.

Although there are many that are trying to live their own lives in a quality meaningful fashion I see many that are tired and broken and I feel sorry for them. I want to help, but most often my help is not wanted. I see this American Modern culture as big and broken and meaningless.

I'm no longer out to change the world at least not directly. If you think shopping at Walmart, for instance, is a good thing then go ahead, but you don't understand what you are really buying or you wouldn't do it.

And organized religion or worship. Ha-don't get me started. Or American Patriotism- Wow has opening my eyes to the world really and rightfully smashed that prejudice of affection.

There's so much out there people. I urge you to try to do something different with your life than Television and Tourism. Find quality. Give your life personal meaning. And don't be a pawn for the rich. Most of all, thing for yourself and try to keep it real.

I know many people have limited situations and can't just go crazy with there lives, but try to get some insight into why you might be here or at least make the most out of it.

Maybe you'll GET IT. Join the club.

btw. I wrote this all in one quick breath and setting. It's not a logical well-detailed, spell checked argument. I don't care enough to do that. It's just a rant against ignorance and apathy is what it really is.

Motivation

2005-11-27T17:11:00.000-05:00

Motivation. What sparks it? I'm writing because I'm bored right now. There's lots of projects I could be working on, but nothing has me motivated.

I've tried to understand motivation. Why do I sometimes have all this drive to do something and other times it just seems like a lot of work and trouble? I know that if I spend a couple hours I'll get something done, but starting is hard and deciding what I should start is hard.

I was motivated to do the NIN remix of Only for a contest. Spent ten hours total and stayed up late at night once I got started. Why? It wasn't like it was going to win anything (probably not), although it came out cool. I did get to present it to friends and get some experience with my digital mixer program.

And I've had many days where I hard charge on some project, but often the urge only last a couple days and then I'm demotivated again, so a lot of things I don 't finish. Why can't I just apply myself all the way through.

I have a theory though. I think it's something to do with short and long term rewards. If the project or thing I want to do has a short term reward (a kinda light at the end of the tunnel I can see will become probably reality soon) then I want to do it, but if it's something that will take longer and may never actually go anywhere (especially considering that I might not finish the project anyway) I have a harder time working on the task.

There' s also mental burnout and a certain tediousness that something involves to get past a step that affects me.

All in all though, it's the opportunity for a short term reward that's missing. For instance I'd work on my strategy game more if I had more people besides Pat that would play it regularly and if I thought it might really make me money someday.

Oh well. I'm kicking around on a Sunday not sure what to do. So I'll probably just end up wasting it by doing nothing at all. There's goes another day in my life's march toward death. Yeah!

Pinball travels

2005-11-20T23:15:00.000-05:00

Tired. The traveling associated with my job sucks up alot of time and energy. Fly there. Drive here. Find all the places in between: Hotel, Clinic, Airport all in new cities and towns. Soon there willl not be a place in the USA i haven't been to. Not as glamorous as it sounds when you have major responsibi;ity, limited time and nobody to hang out with. I like to be on my own and by myself a bit, but this loner lifestyle is too much. I'm going to keep at it thou. I see a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

Centralization Means Life Sucks

2005-11-19T16:05:00.000-05:00

Does anyone realize what a fucked up quality of life this whole modern age is creating? And I think I figured out the core reason why (TV, Automobile, Quest for Efficiency), not all the whys and how comes this is coming to being, although I can think of a few, but what is destroying organic life and forcing us all to become parts of an artificial machine.

It's Centralization.

Everything is getting centralized. The big box stores, schools, businesses - everything including huge swaths of residential areas. Nothings mixed anymore and requires and automobile to get to it. Everyone having to go to the same place for work or shopping or home creates traffic jams where you are stuck in you car and can't really talk to anybody unless you count talking or a cell phone or giving the guy who cut you off the finger.

And it's all because we are centralizing everything in our habits and zoning of communities. And it's all for lazy efficiency, but that comes with the price of quality of life and meaningful existence.

All the little businesses and work places and residences that were scattered around the cities and towns and the landscape are/have getting squeezed out in favor of big fat zones of the same thing. And places you can go to interact, meet people, enjoy life are disappering. Plaza parking lots are not downtown sidewalked streets. An applebees parking lot is not a meeting place. Most people cannot leave their homes to visit a commericial area by walking. Heck, most people can't leave their homes and walk to a park. Everything requires an automobile because everything is being grouped together into big box centralization.

Work places too. You have to drive with all the other commuters to this one big area of offices. And this same group of people then crawl along highways to ge to there big residential areas to park their cars.

It's really silly what we are doing. We are destroying any lifestyle that doesn't revolve around an automobile and a television. How do you meet people.

And these plazas we got to buy and do stuff are private property so it's whitewashed. You can't loiter and hang out. You can't skate board or inline skate. There are no sidewalks to wander around on. Try riding a bike in a plaza parking lot without getting run over. No guitar players. No parks with kids hanging out. No walking from bar to bar for a few drinks. No meeting people. Nothing real. It's all artificial and controlled and meaningless. And boring National chain restaurants dominate the landscape without any real sidewalk seating unless you count eating in a parking-lot an outdoor experience. Sure the food is okay, but the experience is artificial.

Does anyone see what I'm pointing out. All this centralization of things is creating traffic jams and meaningless artificail and I must say lonenly existence.

It's just sad and I see no reason why things might change.

So Cal Days with L and S

2005-11-13T12:30:00.000-05:00

So Lisa and I and the Sorcha Monster are in San Diego; have been since Thursday together. I've surfed every day and Lisa and went out on the town last night with Nat and Skye, our friends here, watching Sorcha. Been nice these few days before my next job in Los Angeles, which we'll be driving up to tomorrow (Monday). Temps here in San Diego are there usual 60's with 70's away from the coast. Supposed to be some Santa Anna winds (off the desert) today and for the beginning of the week and that will bring in 80's which anybody who knows me understands that I am most happy with 80 degree temperatures.

My job supervisors put in a purchase order to get me a new fab laptop. I thought that was pretty cool. Guess they care about me still, depsite my recent constructive (hopefully) criticism of some of the traveling and planning stuff that was going down. After this trip, I will have done 4 installs in two weeks. Easy now, cause the Reno, NV install got pushed back, but then I'll be doing three in a row. This job is a bit surreal when you are on the road at various hotels and cities for a long time.

The waves are big today (5 to 8 feet) with a long period and smooth conditions. Pretty much perfect for me, although I'm sure there are surf dudes out there who would love it even bigger. I need to stay in the curl and pull the trigger for a good wave ride without wimping out. When you see an eight or higher wall of water coming towards you it's hard to turn with it and paddle for your life knowing you might get crunched, but that's the place in the wave where the power lifts you up and slides you forward for the good runs. We'll see today if I can catch the big ones.

Well time for thrills, spills, chills and hopefully some radical rides!

Unreasonable Travel Expectations

2005-11-04T10:40:00.000-05:00

Well I'm back and my job is really starting to suck and the future will probably be worse. We have a new manager, who is also the lead programmer, and he is unsensitive to the demands of travel and the days I spend at a clinic. The expectations are unreasonable and the guy, so far, won't budge on any of the core concepts he has in place. I think he thinks in bits and bytes and logic and considers the whole thing robotic. It's not that way because there a way too many variables outside our control including the huge human element of myself and the doctors at the clinics. I haven't been able to convince this person yet that his plan of attack and expectations are unreasonable. The current plan invites mistakes, hostility and the very real possibility of burning out me the installer. I've got suggestions and recommendations. I'm hoping this guy listens.

Heck, I don't even have time to do laundry before being on the road again let alone turn in paperwork and prepare my tools and get maps and research the installation job, which each is different and the sales and installation orders that are needed. Of course I lose a weekend every two weeks and I have one business day every two weeks to make the above happen for the next two weeks. Absolutely ridiculous. I'm going to burn out. I'm going to crash. I need get my resume up to date! I don't think they realize what they are asking. My salary is not enough for me never to have rest and relaxation, never have any of my own time, never be with my family and friends and to be dealing with airports for ten hours a day every four days.

Airports and flying is the most degrading and annoying thing you can do. Sure, for a trip once in a while you deal with it and it's no problem, but imagine doing it four times a week every week! Horrible. Absolutely horrible! Talk about a waste of life!

So what am I going to do. Cope right now and try to proactively change things. Maybe protest a bit. Oh and polish up the resume and send some job hunting feelers out.

Just got back from Columbus, OH and an emergency trip to St. Louis. Visited a better part of St. Louis: University City, which had some good life. The college parts of town are usually the best I've noticed. Eclectic businesses and people and a community atmosphere. I like that.

Off to San Fran. on Sunday, then Reno on Wednesday, then San Diego on Friday, then Los Angeles on Monday, then back to San Diego to hang out with old friends and my wife Lisa is visiting and then on to Philadelphia the next Sunday and then home? on Wednesday two and half weeks from now.

Later daze. Maybe I'll blog from the road.

Shotgun Thought Blast

2005-10-27T14:55:00.000-04:00

I dedicate Aenima by TOOL to New Orleans and Katrina. "Learn to Swim, Baby!"

People need to learn to appreciate a little pain. Without that you won't really be able to enjoy being happy. In fact, I think too much happiness for too long just results in boredom and apathy with an eventual big long term dip into misery and misery.

Is the ball cap and phrase "life is good" and underground right to life quote? Hmm. I wonder.

General Worker Support and Walmart

2005-10-26T12:40:00.000-04:00

Walmart is opening 200 plus stores world wide and also just had an executive memo that reports the company wanting to try to cut benefits and focus on hiring young healthy people to save costs and use part timers more and try to get rid of senior people.

Foul you say? But all that is fine in a capitalism, free society.

The sad fact is that people continue to choose to work there despite many a report of the company taking advantage of workers. And, more importantly, other people continue to spend their money there. Each worker and shopper is free to choose NOT to associate with Walmart so I don't really want to hear anybody bitching specifically about the place.

There is deeper shit going on.

We as Americans don't support the general welfare of our citizens in this country and so that they have to accept substandard pay, treatment and working conditions. I don't want to try to force companies to treat their employees better I want to make it easier for potential workers to say fuck you to businesses that treat them like shit.

This means general welfare options, like a set amount of federal money that is divided evenly between all the people who are out of work. Seriously!!! The amount approved doesn't fluctuate. We can afford 1 Billion yearly than that's all there is for everyone out of work to split. The more people are out of work bums the less money they all get and some will need to find an acceptable job. The less people out of work the more money there is to split up and that's important to because we always need artists and homemakers and independent business people and even a few bums to keep things interesting.

Another general welfare option to help people say no to bad jobs is free technical training that teaches a specific skill. Once again you can limit the number of open slots and make it a set amount of money so that spending doesn't get out of control.

My real point is that I don't want to take away choice and flexible business practices. What I think should be done is give the American worker the right to more easily say: This job is bullshit.

As far as the shoppers who go to Walmart and other worthless businesses that choke the local community and quality of life, you just have to accept the prevailing ignorance that doesn't understand that a cheaper price tag means more than just a inexpensive product. It also often means, low quality workmanship, unenjoyable shopping conditions and ill treatment of others. But where we shop is up to each of us.

By the way, many businesses try to treat their workers as well as possible, but with NAFTA and CAFTA and uneven playing field free trade and downward spiral competition the whole game just becomes cut throat and the workers on the bottom end of the totem pole, whoever they turn out to be (software programmers exported to India or shoe factory workers exported to Taiwan.)

I urge you to make smart buying choices with your money and to support both worker and unemployed rights. These things will go a long way toward making our society richer and more productive and a better place to live in.

My Daily Death Realization

2005-10-21T09:28:00.000-04:00

I'm one of those people who thinks about my death and death in general everyday. Not a suicide thing, but like realizing everyday that I'm going to die. I double my current life and tell myself that it's been a long time already and so I have another half long time to go until I probably die and my daughter will likely be my age when I kick off so I'll see a major portion of her life. I get mad at myself when I'm not doing anything productive or interesting or meaningful because it's precious life going down the drain.

It certainly makes it hard for me to relax.

So I don't watch much TV for instance 'cause it doesn't usually give me anything meaningful.

And then I also try to exercise and eat better trying to live as healthy a life as I can. However, I also smoke on average one cigarette a day and what's up with that if I'm worried about my longevity? Oh-just a couple while drinking wouldn't hurt right? Well, at least drinking a little is supposed to be helpful for the heart. Probably not the liver though.

I was out last night at Asylum downstairs at the Sain*don "retro" scene that isn't really retro, but covers the gambit of alterna-dance. Had a fairly good time, but starting to think that isn't really worth my time either. I get exercise and I see and talk with friends. Sometimes things get really interesting, but not last night, although Ryan is going to get me some Pixies, saying he can't believe I don't know their music better so I'm looking forward to that burned CD.

My expectations for my life experience have always been high, which I think is a major ingredient for unhappiness. I'v had an amazing life so far and I have appreciated it. My Father used to tell me that he'd seen and done it all, as if there was no sense in me even trying to 'cause it wasn't all that special, but he was full of shit. I've had some real real lows and lots and lots of highs. I've lived all over the country and pushed the envelope doing all kinds of various stuff. I've always been active and tried new things. And I certainly was not a supported kid growing up. My parents had money, but I never saw much of it. Boo hoo - I'm over that, but how far I've come from my unsupported beginnings is truly remarkable, if I do say so myself.

So, if I die tomorrow I will die happy. I've lived a full life. I have an amazing daughter and a beautiful and intelligent wife. I have good friends from an assortment of walks of life. I've lived in a technologically changing era where we are still mostly free. Almost my entire life I've been healthy. I've tried all kinds of activities and gained lots of diverse skills. I've seen a lot. I've done a lot. I've experienced far more than most people my age have (with many notable exceptions I'm sure).

I've also gained much wisdom into the human condition and insight into who I really am and how to live life well.

Yes, I remind myself that if and when I die, I shouldn't complain about my life. It's been full from top to bottom.

And so, if I die, don't cry for me. Be happy!!!

Tell stories and dance upon my dead body like gypsies and nymphs and possessed spirits!

Cause my life so far has been a great roller coaster ride, even if it has been a bit scray at times.

Technologial Survival Reality

2005-10-19T14:14:00.000-04:00

Technology increases the gap between rich and poor, especially as said technology becomes more and more important to ones survival on an Earth, which is becoming more and more densely populated with less resources to go around.

I think this has been true throughout history. Today’s homeless bum is really hunter-gather from ancient times or a gypsy of the middle ages. True, a some point technology allows those with a few simple tools to get by in environments that would have easily killed a person just decades ago, but that is still technology being used and that used rain resistant coat form Goodwill still had to be available.

My point is really that of a doomsday madman. My observation is that a successful, secure and freely determined life is getting more and more difficult for the average person to achieve. Certainly the range of quality of life standards if becoming extremely wide ranging.

In this day and age, if you have the money and resources you can certainly live a great, rich life better than every before, but just as easily, due to not having access to technology on par with the rest of the crowded world for whatever reason, your quality of life will be less based on the limited resources we live in and those that have technology being able to take advantage of those that don’t.

I could site specific examples, but you can easily think of your own when you consider the benefits of a good weather worthy vehicle, being able to travel on a plane, access to college and good schools, a well built home, internet access, cell phones, health care, access to good food and most importantly for quality of life-being able to avoid the constraints of the law. It all adds up to better resources to live life better and out maneuver those that don’t have technology to get a bigger chunk of the world’s limited resources and live the life you desire.

So what am I saying? I’m saying that it is in your best interest to be aware of this fact and gather technological resources for yourself. We live in a rude, I don’t care about the next guy world and being prepared is your only defense verse the apathy of your community. An individual’s only defense against the tyranny and apathy of the majority is to live smart and gather the technological resources necessary to side step ignorance and shield ones self against the focused and/or abuse of community power by those elected to power in an ignorant democratic world.

Traveling Times

2005-10-09T12:09:00.000-04:00

Been Traveling a lot without real time for blogging.

Visited Atlanta and then Aiken, SC with a wacko from New York. What a faker with an agressive, corrosive personality. I was told I would like the guy, but three days of his shit and I never want to have to get stuck with the annoying asshole again. Luckily he's leaving the company in a week and that's the reason for my emergency trip: So that I could learn how to install the equipment that he had been doing. No problem. It's a wonder the ignorant fuck could get it done.

So a couple equine ranches and worked with a bunch of horses. Aiken was quite a beautiful corner of South Carolina even though it rained the whole time. Saw some beautiful horses and a hung out with a cool cat. Narrowly missed a huge tire on the Atlanta Freeway that appeared out of no where and had to swirve to avoid. Watched the truck behind me narrowly miss it too and then this small car slid to a stop in the middle of 70mph traffic and I can only guess what happened after that because my rear view became obscured. Can you imagine the massive pile up that followed? I saw at least five accidents while driving Georgia Freeways in the rain.

Now I'm off to St Lous for a couple days and then to Philadelphia for Wednesday until late Friday night when I should get back. There's what sounds like a good gothic industrial club in Philly, called Nocturne at Shampoo that I'm going to check out on Wednesday night.

Later daze till next time, blog world

Debt Mercenaries of Capitilism Stupidity

2005-09-29T16:02:00.000-04:00

Okay – This Iraq Thing. The Real Deal.

US Soldiers Die. Boo-fucking-who. Last I knew it was still an all volunteer military, otherwise know as violence subsidizing welfare. We pay a bunch of gung-ho citizen mercenaries and give them guns and boom-boom and fly toys to go fight. I’ve met many who just want to go play cowboy shoot’em up and they talk big and act macho about going to war. Support the troops? Fuck them. I have to pay these blood thirst idiots pay checks. They go voluntarily and get paid and their attitude is that of a killer out to shoot somebody. In the USA we call it murder. But join the military and you can kill people and be a so called hero. And all the military groups and people I’ve read about and have seen on the news are gung-ho in support of the war. Why should I shed one tear for these willing combatants? I don’t have more then a passing care about the fact that 1936 soldiers have died in the Iraq conflict. You want to make money being a nationalist mercenary allowed to kill people? Be ready to pay the price. When there is a draft and people are being forced to go to a foreign land and fight a war for capitalist pigs then I’ll change my tune. Support our troops. Ha! Pay your taxes and you’re supporting your killer mercenaries just fine Americans. Heck, we’ve only lost 2000 anyway. Big fucking deal.

(And before anybody squawks off… I was in the military for six years as a mercenary punk our of high school and although not gung-ho I was well aware that if I died or got hurt it was my tough luck so I take special exception to anybody whining about US soldiers dying in combat.)

American Pride. Bullshit Worthless. America is defined by its enforced laws and boundaries but any nationalism is a dangerous and wastefully abstract concept. America is not “Alive”. America doesn’t have feelings. America doesn’t act heroic. So we can’t tame Iraq. Well we shouldn’t have gone there in the first place. I marched against this idiots war a month before it started in Portland, Oregon. Of course the rest of America was too busy being in fear of lies about Sadam and Iraq’s capability to wage war. And now we don’t want to lose. Give me a break. Losing would be the best thing for us, especially cause if we win we’ll do it again. Vietnam didn’t teach us much I guess. The wisdom of life is to know when to walk away from a fight that isn’t worth fighting let alone winning. This war isn’t worth winning. Terrorism isn’t going to change because of this war. There are other big time issues that fuel it and those we are not addressing. In fact, Iraq increases the threat of terrorism because we are placing ourselves in harms way. The whole homeland security thing will continue whether we stay or leave Iraq. This war is not personal for most US citizens. Let it go and move on.

Money. Hurricanes and Oil problems. Airline problems and poverty. No Child Left with education. Voting methods open to question. Infrastructure problems and airlines in debt. Medicare and Healthcare. Technological Investment. But what do we do? We spend billion and billions on Military Power and Fighting wars around the globe all in the name of taming the world for capitalism. What a huge waste of money. Nothing productive about spending money this way. We will be paying for this war forever and every as it drags our economy and China and the rest of the world owns more and more of America. Fools. You want prosperity. The stop fighting fucking wars!! I don’t want to pay my taxes so that the USA can be the world police. Protecting our boundaries from actual aggression fine. But we have a huge military in comparison to the rest of the world and what for? So we can take care of everybody else. Heck, the paying the paychecks of soldiers and building ships, airplanes and bombs and transporting them all around the globe, what a huge waste of logistics and for what? So holy jihad Iraq’s and the rest of the world can live off our back? Why do you think we have trade deficits. Other countries invest in infrastructure and technology. How do you think Japan roared back for WWII. They didn’t need to spend on a military that’s how. We need to let the world take care of itself and fight only wars that directly effect us.

This whole Iraq thing pissed me off. What a waste of time, money and energy. Meanwhile we can’t lift a muscle verse North Korea or Iran (not that we should) and they aren’t afraid of us while our hands are tied up with Iraq. Heck. The demonstration of us invading another country for no better reason then we don’t like their leaders is reason enough for countries like Iran and North Korea to be in pursuit of nuclear weapons. We are causing that which we are trying to prevent. Seriously.

The way to get our of harms way is to step aside when the locomotive comes hurtling toward you. I have no wish to see America be “superman”. I have no wish to pay for playing capitalism world cowboy. We’ve got problems like Rita and Katrina to prepare for. We need to invest in the productivity of America and that will lead to prosperity. Lead by example not force and things will go a lot easier and the day and age of the average citizen in the USA will be much better.

But instead we are living today for no hope for tomorrow. Spend Spend Debt Debt. Don’t worry, your kids will pay off that second mortgage America! The most foolish thing that comes to mind about this whole debacle is that the generation that is currently in charge is that of Vietnam. Wasn’t that generation anti-military and all about peace. Or were the baby boomers just bratty troublemakers?.

Topeka Kansas. Are you Gay or a Cop?

2005-09-27T20:35:00.000-04:00

I have found the slowest drivers in the world. The dowtown speedlimit is 20mph on four lane roads with side streets posted at 12mph!

And there are cop cars thicker than than fleas on a yard dog. Trees and a river here. Hillier than i expected too. Spread out and medium density rural.

I bladed today on a long paved path along the river. Nice. Ended at a skate park where i joined a bunch of teenage skate punks tricking out. Took a bunch of loops and jumps before a spill that almost broke my face but i caught myself on my hands push up style. The sunglasses did not fare as well.

Here in Topeka, driving around I feel like a gansta. Listening to my Rap-Electronica "Tricky" in the Chevey Impala, weaving around snails while listening to Industrial Music of "Kidney Thieves" and "Skinny Puppy" and pulling up to this Road House Steak Joint on the outskirts of town with the windows down while listening to Alt-New Wave "Stereophonics" at high volume.

Almost everyone over the age of 25 here is fat. And i mean huge. Maybe it's genetics, but it's probably culture. How else to explain it. There were some reasonable bods on the paved trail jogging and biking, but in general... Wow - Big People. Tall too. Tall and fat here.

Downtowns is full of nothing. I'm attracted to the old vacant buildings in some sort of weird I-could-be-a-king if I lived here kinda way. Don't know why everybody vacated town, but there are some nice neighborhoods I noticed while blading around. Still you got your agricultrual industrial presence quite thick in the city and maybe that's why everbody lives in the countryside and there doesn't seem to be any "downtown" area of note with people bustling about and cool cafes. Or maybe it's the "Cross at Crosswalks Only Or Else" signs on the 20mph streets. Or maybe people around here are as wary of cops as I am and would just rather not be around power hungry, authoritarian pigs.

Why would anybody want to be a cop? Aquiatance, ex-good friend of mine is trying to become a cop in Portland. He's such a messed up psycho case and he's at the final stage of making it to Portland's finest. Now I understand why things are so fucked up I think. Don't get me wrong, Andy (not his real name) is a great guy... WHEN HE'S NOT INSANE which depends on a whole bunch of unknowable variables involving God, Drugs, Prostitutes, Homosexuality, Power Trip Complex, and othe things.

Back in Topeka there's this guy at the elevators on my ninth floor waiting ealier this evening before I went to the steak house. I join him. The two elevators there open at the exact same time empty and I figure I won't be unsocial and I take the same elevator as this 30 something dude and tell him so. He tells me he's in town on a hydrolic engineering seminar and seems like a nice enouch guy, cracking jokes about how drainage of water from highways and roads is an important but thankless job. But you see. Thing is. I've got a problem. I feel uncomfortable when strange men talk to me... that and fat ugly chicks strange or not. It's some sort of homaphobia, what does the other person really want kinda thing I guess. I wonder if the guy is gay. Isn't that a weird thing to wonder when someone of the same sex talks to you who didn't have to? Maybe he was just striking up a conversation as innocent as the weather. Hell, I often complain of having no one to talk to on these business trips and I could have said "do you want to get dinner together". But then he'd think I was gay and the whole thing would just be weird.

You see, I don't have a problem talking to a strange good looking woman. I just say hi and start up a conversation. But some guy? Forget it. I just nod my head and smile (not to much) and then go off on my own direction. People always want something anyway. A bum wants to bum some money. That guy might have some wacky business plan for me to buy into (can you say amway) or when I talk to the babe I probaly just want to have the option of getting laid. I suppose when I talk to a woman this usaully far out possibility is simply understood and therefore no big deal.

This whole thing might stem for me when in the past people often assumed I was gay or strongly wondered just because of how I acted and the things I did. I used to bounce a bit when I walked. I like dancing, often by myself 'cause I can't be bothered to get past the bullshit of trying to ask a woman onto the dance floor in some stupid club. And I have a certain social outgoing way about me when I'm in a good mood. It's gotten to the point where I'm definetely bothered if someone tries to indicate that I'm gay because I'm just being myself and the social stereotypes of being gay seem to apply.

So I like cool clothes? So I like to dance? So I enjoy talking about social issues and philosophy? So I'm a bit weird and my hair is a little long. So I act freaky and outgoing sometimes. Yeah, and I've worn a skirt-a see through skirt no less. Fuck it. That's me. I like motorcycles and football too. Does make me seem less or more gay?!

However, I don't mind gay people or even being around gay people when it is clear to them that I'm not, but there's nothing, absolutely nothing that I want to do with a penis. I don't want to touch a penis. I don't want to suck a penis. I don't want a penise up my ass. I don't want to touch a hairy ass or be slimed with man sweat. There is simply no attraction there for me.

That said, I've seen guys kiss enough times not to be grossed out or even notice much any more. I don't mind if some guy is naked around me. I could handle a multiple partner sex with a woman or two (or three etc.) with another guy there (but I hope he doesn't try to touch me). I even like having gay friends and being in places where there are gay people because it means life is usually a bit more interesting in that place.

And so I do have a problem. How to be comfortable talking to male strangers without worry that they are gay and worrying that they think I'm gay.

Oh and my the other problem that I clearly have is that I worry too much!

So Topeka is Topeka-slow, fat and boring. There is nothing I want from someone else's penis. Bush W. reamins president for some strange the world must be ending soo reason. And I fly to Norfolk, Va tomorrow.

Anybody know of any good gay clubs there? ;)

Democracy Does Not Equal Freedom

2005-09-22T08:44:00.000-04:00

That democracy (i.e. rule by the majority) equates to freedom is just not fucking true! In fact democracy is the worst thing when it comes to being unfair to minorities and minority practices and beliefs.

Imagine that every minority way of life (anything that you participate in, believer or do that at least 51% of other people do not) was outlawed by the majority in a democratic country. Then nobody would be happy or get to live life the way they want to because in some way we are all part of a minority.

In the USA it's not democracy that gives us any sense of freedom-no not at all. What protects us from the whims of whatever majority is in control of the government at the time and whatever dumb laws were passed by the majority in the past is the Bill of Rights and as an extension to that the court system. It's a lot of trouble to enforce most of this countries dumb laws so unless it is important it's not worth going through the trouble and if you want to make the trouble worth it the enforcement agencies have to "try" to give some basic rights to those arrested, which of course really pisses off victims and rightly so.

But anyway, democracy in it's pure from is the opposite of freedom. It really is. Now another form of government, say a dictatorship, might only grant freedom to one group, say the Sadam in Iraq and the Bathe (sp?) party, but someone was free.

Is there a better way then democracy for a government to function. That's the real question? Realizing the democracy does not equal freedom I've thought about this a lot. What democracy does well is stabilize a country or at least appear to because the majority is in control at any one time.

What I fear, especially in the USA, is that as the "revolving majority" (meaning that we are all in the majority and minority on different issues) keeps outlawing and taxing things and making more and more guidelines and rules, that accepted life and ways of living will get more and more narrow and bland. And, in order to try to live a full life on your own terms you have to take law abiding risks and gamble that you don't get caught?

Want to smoke pot? Well just hope they don't catch you. Think that letting your teenage kids have a glass or two of wine with dinner after age 16, well hope it doesn't get back to DHS. Think that your sports car handles just fine at 90MPH on the nearly empty highway then hopefully a cop is collecting tax fees for speeding. Need to get into that friends apartment downtown in Boston, then double park for a half hour and the city is probably too busy to notice and get you towed. Want to go see the moonlight from a neighborhood park that has a posted sign saying no entry after 11pm then just do it and hope that know one notices. Are you 21 and "in-lust" with a 17 year old and want to have sex?-then go have a ball and hopefully his or her parents won't find out. Had three beers and know you shouldn't drive, but you're a steady hand at the wheel and figure the drive home is really no problem, well hope that there isn't a road block. Do you have a hard time getting a partner for sex and would rather just pass all that dating bullshit then buy a hooker or escort and hope you're not part of sting operation. Need to get to work but your license was suspended because you couldn't afford that ticket for speeding, then do it and hope you don't get pulled over again or maybe it's the inspection sticker or registration on your vehicle is out of date for the same reason. Want to protest some governmental stupidity but don't have a "permit" then do it anyway and hope that you make a big enough stink that it's too risky or not worth the time to try punish you for it. This imbecile is an asshole then punch him or her in the mouth and get their ass without any permanent damage to teach them a lesson and hope that the cops don't get involved and you end up in jail. Ride a motorcycle or bicycle without a hemet... skateboard or rollerblade where not allowed... trespass for that shortcut...., form anti government group..... go to another state to buy less taxed cigarettes, want to put that new addition on the back of the house but want to avoid code enforcement... want to play your guitar on the street without a permit?....

Man the list of rules that people commonly violate is amazing and could go on and on. We're all just playing russian roulette in violation of majority rule because except for real issues we realize that it's too much work to catch everybody and we're hoping we ourselves don't get caught, but it sucks when you do because to combat this what does the majority opinion on a subject do?

The make the punishment threat extraordinary!!!!!

Ever wonder why the incarceration rate in the USA is the highest in the world?

Price Tag Does Not Include Tax

2005-09-16T00:30:00.000-04:00

So why is it that gas seems to be the only commonly bought product or service that has a displayed priced tag that includes tax and the final amount you will actually have to pay?

Hotel stay for $99? Great, but the final bill will be more like $129. Or that microwave? Or that restaurant bill? Or new car? Add the 5% or 7.5% or whatever.

I understand why there are taxes and I'm quite in favor of city, county and state and even a federal tax, but I mean come on. When you're trying to decide what to buy and what you can afford it would be nice to know up front what you will need to pay in the. It can be figured quite easily up front if anybody bothered.

Except for gas for some reason everything else is a gotcha price tag increase. It's kind of underhanded and fake trickery. Everything I've come to expect from capitalism USA.

Blogging Without Complete Privacy

2005-09-13T10:41:00.000-04:00

"The mainstream media is so predictable, it's so fill-in-the-blank kind of journalism."

That's a quote from an article about ethnic media on CNN, but I definitely agree.

You don't have to watch major news sources to know what you are going to be told. The scripts are all the same and predictable. Yeah, there are certainly some facts, but any coverage of a subject beyond the initial few sentences of explanation invariable turn to what the major news media thinks people want to hear. And who am I to believe differently? They are trying to make money and have found a formula that apparently works.

But then again. That's why I like reading blogs. You get different and sometimes crazy opinions and angles. It's not all sugar coated with correctness, although some thoughts are obviously whacked, and I like that. You get real reactions; personal reactions and thoughts. Online posting can be from the gut instead of filtered through political correctness, and yes, even logic.

However, I think that once a blog "gets big" or people know who the person is, because of the fame and loss of privacy it gets harder to say how it really is and how that person feels about the subject any more.

Many of my local friends (and some who are currently far away) read this blog and I get nervous sometimes when I pour my gut thoughts into a post and I'm sure I leave some of the rougher stuff out routinely. Most of all though, I think it's harder to write a blog unless you are completely unknown. I've thought of starting a new blog and telling nobody about it-just let it get noticed or not. Then you could just let it all out and see what kind of reaction the world gives you or at least have a record of what you truly were thinking about. The act of posting exactly what you think and feel anonymously could be quite therapeutic.

I think right now that even as outspoken and unafraid of taking a unique point of view as I am I'm still holding back. I'm not being true to the great free speech vehicle that blogging can be when privacy is added.

Am I going to stop blogging "Anarchy-Zen"? No. I think my reasoned, logical, socially cooperative side enjoys this blog. However, a well written and thorough post on a subject takes time and effort and I'd like to have a blog where I can completely fire away without worrying about who I'm "hurting" and "political-correctness" and ultimately what unwanted trouble I'm making from myself.

I plan to post here once a week at least and from the road when I visit places across the country while working my job, but I cannot deny this funny weird feeling I have about blogging, that being known is becoming too much of a responsibility and I'm not saying all the "crazy" thoughts that come into my head, although I'd like to.

Therefore from the petri dish of my little blog this past year I understand why the major media does not have the luxury of saying whatever they want and news coverage doesn't usually tell it like it really is. They try to write Op-Ed pieces and look at all angles, but they are large organizations and businesses and, most importantly, everybody who associates and gives those businesses their money knows who they are. The major media adjusts to tell people more or less what they want to hear and the three all-day channels have even picked a choir that they are going to preach to: CNN: Left MSNBC: Middle FOX: Right. I don't want to be doing that.

I have become uncomfortable with blogging and have decided that it's because my blog is not completely private and I have a big mouth and get all rebelistic about subjects, pushing my Anarchy Zen way of seeing the world and my pride gets me in trouble as well and my confidence bends under the weight a bit. Right now it might be illusory trouble and no one has said anything to me in person that is forcefully negative, but I know how it feels to say some crazy shit on my blog and then wonder how my friends and acquaintances might take it; worrying about misunderstandings and shouldering the intellectual responsibility that sometimes keeps me from blogging on a subject I'm thinking about.

Thanks for reading. It has been an exciting experience over the past year and I will continue to post on this blog I expect at least weekly, but I think I need to start a new completely private blog. I want to provoke and be real. I want to say what is really on my mind. I want a voice that's not tied down by expectations and my own internal worries.

So if you find my new blog, don't tell anyone. :)

Thanks, Jeff

Disaster Wake Up Call

2005-09-04T23:20:00.000-04:00

I haven't blogged on the Hurricane disaster 'till now.

It's an obvious example of how the country is not being run by a government that truly cares about the country and most of the people in it.

The government and our tax money and support and leadership is being used in the wrong way every day. It's being used to to keep the masses under control while the rich enjoy their lives to the fullest possible.

I laugh when they call a bill for infrastructure and road building to be pork barrel spending. Why's that? This is called taking care of the country. It is why we pay taxes, not fighting wars halfway around the globe 'cause somebody wants to play cowboy shoot 'em up for no good reason, except to make oil safe for the rich hummer drivers.

First off, FEMA should be it's own agency and not part of Homeland Security. We should be prepared for problems in the USA and be taking care of people in trouble and needing opportunities and jobs and education and housing. We are so focused on terrorism that we are slowly killing ourselves by it.

We need to make our own country work better and the rest of the world will take care of itself. It's not our responsibility nor a feasible possibility to police the world trying to make it safe for capitalism.

We are doing everything ass backwards and I ask that you think about that possibility.

This country should not be just a play ground for the uncaring rich so they can stay rich living off the backs of most people, especially when those people are not cared about as is obvious in the most recent disaster.

Now Hurricane Katrina was not surprising and the possibility of exactly what happened has been known for decades. I saw a documentary on it just a year ago and have seen and heard numerous times about this disaster waiting to happen in various news reports..

What does surprise me is that people did not expect this to happen in America. We tend to live in this country as if the things that happened can't happen, but we need to wake up and realize that it can and will. We don't give enough time to how our government works and frankly I'm sure many of us feel completely out of touch with what makes our community, state and country actually work. We have no control, but we must try to get it back or risk the indirect effects of not being care about.

Looting, hunger, devastation, slow response, shootings, trapped without help, high gas prices and gouging, pissing and crapping in basements, not having water, flooded hospitals and thousands dying without help. These are real things that will happen if any densely populate place loses the modern day infrastructure that allows 6 plus billion people to be living on this planet.

Yeah, the federal government seriously fucked up, but people have to wake up and start dealing with reality and the way things really are.

And don't expect gas prices to come down below $3.00 ever! Now that this has been reached it will never go back down. If we don't start zoning our cities differently and working on alternate energy sources and taking advantage of economy of scale than we are just going about things the hard way.

Once again though, it take leadership and investment and cooperation to make these things happen. It takes the government that we've elected and paid to make decision to step forward and provide those three things: leadership, investment and cooperation (laws) so that we can move beyond this oil problem and will go a long way to reducing our problems in the world.

Just do your part and support change!

Thanks.

Santa Fuckin Barbara

2005-08-31T22:31:00.000-04:00

Wow. Just an amazingly fucking beautiful place and what a great mixed use area downtown. I bladed the long long beach and city boardwalk and now i find myself downtown eating faijtas on sidewalk seating. Jack Johnson is playing on the speakers. Mountains with dotted houses mark part of my view. The street is busy with walking and biking people. The air has a pleasant crisp warmth. If i could aford to move and find a reason to live here i'd have a hard time not doing it. This is certainly the best place i've ever visited. And i surfed today as well just south of here in Ventura. People look interesting and are active. Downtown is dense with lots of shops and resaurants and people bike to get around. The low hills and cliffs have vista houses all over the slopes. Pretty fucking cool. There's probably a dark side to this place. Don't wory, i'll find it.

North Coast LA Area

2005-08-31T15:29:00.000-04:00

The coast from Santa Monica north along the Pacific Highway to Santa Barbara is impressive!

I luv the mixed res., comm. and beach area of Santa Monica. And there are all the cool bungalows and mansions the dance their way of the steep hill side all the way into Malibu. And there's beach and boardwalk and surfers and even wild coast and state parks.

Oxnard is farm country and otherwise a plastic grungy subburb, but Ventura near the coast bustles with a dense cliff side downtown.

I'll be heading up to Santa Barbara for some Roller Blading later today. I heard that there is a good boardwalk so it should be fun.

The Dark Side of Speaking Personal Truth

2005-08-30T02:08:00.000-04:00

So – Hey? You other blogger people out there. Yeah you.

Do you write like you’re preaching to the choir? You know, assume that everyone who will read your words is going to understand and be on your side and agree because they know where you’re coming from? I write that way a little, but not completely and when I write an entry as if I am talking to close friends and like minds, that’s when the sparks really fly.

So what does that tell me? Does that mean I’m a bad person or something?

When I tell you that I despise and hate Worthless and Ignorant people. Do you just assume that I mean someone else other than you? That they affect my life in negative way and I’m willing to risk dying in nuclear and biological catastrophe to rid there dead weight from the world. Do you go, right on! As if I’m talking about someone else besides yourself?

Can you confront these very same demons in yourself? What do you see when you look out your window on humanity and drive on the streets with all the imbeciles. Or is your thing Racism? Nationalism? Religionism? Isolationism? Peacism? Warism? None of those are mine (well except religion as a whole), I’ve already told you my prejudice above. What’s yours? Are you perfectly clean, willing to accept everybody as a possible new friend and throw in your lot in life with them. Is there nothing that you dislike?

And would you blog about it? Do you ever let your true feelings known or, much like myself often, do you keep your mouth shut and say only what’s expected.

Here’s one. I don’t like the phrase, “God Bless You!” said to me or anybody else after a sneeze, but I almost involuntarily say “Thank You.” When someone does say it, although I consider it blasphemy, I try to remember that it’s the thought that counts, but really it’s perpurtrating a life destroying myth, spirit killing cult. So when someone sneezes and I’m there I say, “Sneeze You.” ‘cause I want to acknowledge the sneeze in some way, but not support the ‘God’ thing.

I wonder if that creates a misunderstanding blog post because you don't know me as a generally caring, cooperative and giving person? You only are reading a bunch of words on a page that only you can interpert though all your mind filters.

So how real and true can your really be without getting stepped on by people who don’t understand. Or maybe it’s just the worthless and ignorant people, who don’t want to let their lazy, dumb, irritating asses that weigh down the world getting noticed, who complain.

Yeah, I’m going off the deep end. I’m probably a bad person, but I don’t want to pretend to be somebody I’m not. Perhaps it would be safer then to keep these kinds of thoughts private. Why piss off people when I don't even know who I'm pissing off. I'll walk around a corner some day and get bashed in the head and have no idea why.

Actually, there are very few people who are worthless and ignorant to my mind once I've gotten to know them and understand them. That’s what you’ve (I’ve) got to always remember. It’s perspective and the relationships you have with others that determines their worth.

I suppose it’s easy to hate most everybody when most everybody hates you. Oh no. Dare I get that honest with myself?

Ah screw it. I know I’m a good person just trying to say how it feels with the realization that I’m probably one of the few who really tries to do that and be true.

I don’t think everyone is like me and that’s okay. But really. Can you deny that you have a “dark” side and would you dare tell anybody besides close friends (or even them) about it.

Maybe I should be keeping my mouth shut and blogging isn’t such a good idea.

Liquid Cocaine

2005-08-29T22:58:00.000-04:00

I've learned of a new mixed drink called a liquid cocaine:

One part Jaegermiester
One part Goldslager
One part Barcardi 151

Nice. I'll have to try a couple when i'm not a lone stranger in foriegn land.

Keep it real

2005-08-29T02:21:00.000-04:00

I was going to rant and be angry on this post and then I decided I'd like to reflect on some good stuff that I’ve run into.

Like the woman at McDonalds today who swore in front of me while getting my meal together and then tried to apologize and I was like, “No that’s great. Makes you real.” And there was there was the guy waiter back in Nashville who sat down with me at my table without asking and started listed on good clubs and bars to visit. Or the room service woman who caught me going out on from the hotel on a near midnight blade tonight as I was coming down the stairs and laughed and said “It’s all Good.”

I just want real. I don’t want “Have a nice day,” whether you’re trying to really mean it or not. Don’t be derogatory or mean or rude, but I wish people were allowed to be themselves on the job and not commercialized puppets. I assume that people are just saying what they have to when they are giving that customer service who-ha crap! I usually ignore them or roll my eyes and people wonder what's wrong 'cause I'm not playing along with the game. I have to be especially careful in airport securitylines. There I say as little as possible. But i digress..

I think, especially in car dependent communities or national retail and service hell, that we’re all so isolated from each other and there’s all these quick meetings with sales and service people in stores and we really don’t know anybody. It’s all a bunch of phony “Hi, how are you.”, “Did you find everything.” And my fucking favorite, “Have a Nice Day.” It’s like nothing is real in our society except your friends and once we all become adults it gets hard to make and keep real people friends with all our divergent schedules and even the need to be careful what we say around the people we spend most of our time with: those at work.

And I travel which makes it worse. Talk about a hundred meaningless interactions a day and there you have my traveling life. If I hear one more stewardess tell me over the airplane intercom that they hope to see me again on a future flight I might crack- perhaps already have.

And now they’ve got these fucking greeters at places like Best Buy and of course the very popular Walfart. Come on people. Get you superficial idiocy out of my face. I want to punch them in the face. But I just ignore this poor underpaid fuckers, sometimes looking them in the eye as I walk pass to make my point. And then there’s the cashier who asks if I have the “Store Card of the Day,” and “Would I be interested in?” and then they want my phone number so in Portland, Maine I always give them the number to Time and Temperature, which 207-775-4321. Really. Call it and you’ll get EST and Current Tempreature in Downtown Portland. I have it programmed on my cell phone of all the ridiculous things.

Anyway, when someone lets their hair down and acts real, I always appreciate it. For just a moment the shell of capitalism and fake society is broken and I can feel like I had a real experience, a connection however minor, but it’s real.

Just give me real. I can handle it. Too bad it seems no one else can.

East Side

2005-08-26T20:44:00.000-04:00

Another day in cleveland. After work i drove around the east side ghetto neighborhoods. Beautiful old, huge buildings i would love to live in, but dilapitated and the neighborhoods are run down and barren of interesting activity. I dont understand why these places are abandoned by people with money. Is it a skin color thing or the interstate that was built nearby. Its so sad that people flee the cities. If i lived here i'd get myself a nice big, rustic loft near downtown. Of course i would be starting the grntrification wave and ruin the place on the other end of the spectrum eventually.

Cleveland

2005-08-25T20:25:00.000-04:00

Well i'm downtown for dinner on a thursday night in a small restaurant region not more than two blocks big. Nice, but not impressive. Sleepy in this big city, but an old gothic imperial feel to the architechture and the Browns football stadium sits impressively along the lake front.

Some good blading to be had on the wider than need be streets though. Tomorrow i'll kick some asphalt after work.

Oh, speaking of work. The staff at the vet clinic and surburbia Cleveland in general seem the most sad and depressing that I've met.

Well, enough said for now. Think i'll soak in the atmosphere that does exist here.

The Deer Are Unafraid in Cleveland

2005-08-24T20:17:00.000-04:00

So I’m in Cleveland, a suburb called Independence actually, and I find this crappy, low class weird Grocery Store called Marks. What a dump and filled with people who must not a value a good shopping experience, not that they were winners either.

Thing is though, this is a place along a four lane commercial road with plaza businesses and what do I see? These two deer just frolicking and playing in this big green field in front of a Church that looked like a Mosque, but had crosses on the Turkish domes. The deer didn’t seem to mind the loud engines or commotion at all.

Anyway, I guess deer aren’t afraid of the type of people around here.

They Roared Up From The Underground

2005-08-24T00:07:00.000-04:00

So let's see. I have some strong opinions about the early 90's and some bands that just came roaring up from the underground and changed music forever. I'm sure this list is not complete, but here are the bands that I think came out of no where.

(There were so many in the early 90s that would need to get credit for good music. These are just the unique stand outs that I'm just in awe and thankfulness that I got to hear their sound)

Nine Inch Nails - Pretty Hate Machine followed by Downward Spiral - "Incredible"

Smashing Pumpkins - Gish was fantastic.

Pearl Jam - Ten followed by VS. followed by Vitalogy - "Raw and Invigorating"

Red Hot Chilli Peppers - Blood Sugar Sex Magic - "Yeah Baby Funk Out Melodies"

Stone Temple Pilots - "STP kicked Ass with a Twisted Intense Sound."

Rage Against the Machine - "Tell it how it is Dela Rocha to a Throbbing Bass, Smashing Drum Rhythm and Out of this world guitar"

Ahh, screw it. There really is too many to mention, but those above did it for me back then.

Today you've got some interesting stuff towards that level like System of Down and Dresden Dolls, but the Rap lyrical dub beat took over so it's mostly apples and oranges comparisons and the music scene is so sliced up right now I think it's hard for any one band to have much of a "world-wide" and "generational" effect.

Just try to like what you like and don't worry about the "Making it big thing". If your band gets big you lose 'em.

Stream of Conscious Post About Nothing That Important

2005-08-23T22:55:00.000-04:00

So it's a late Tuesday night. Shipping out tomorrow (oh my 13 years gone by Navy Sub days - gone forever, but still linger in the subconscious PTSD zone), I mean flying out for Cleveland for work, then on to Sacramento and then Santa Barbara. I will bring my inline skates, but I'm going to try to stay in and work on my book edit and rules for the strategy game I invented and will try to market.

Trouble is: I get bored. I can't stay in my hotel room. I get lonely is the basic truth. Don't like to be stuck inside and isolated. Need the possibility that something could happen. If I stay in the hotel room nothing will so I roll the dice or pay the blind and go out and look for trouble and sometime I find it, but othen I'm bored still and spending money for nothing. And I don't care about the TV, mostly. I turn the fucker on 'cause it's there in the hotel room. Do you realize that hotel rooms have sucky cable selections. You got to by the movie channels to see anything you want. Must be part of the marketing scam, like having bottles of water in your room that if you open cost you $3.00. I've been adding the graffiti to the labels that says: "Don't advertise to me in the private room I'm fucking paying for". Don't know if that constitutes using the water or not. Fucking maid keep setting the damn bottle back up when I place them label faced down. And they must wonder why I don't leave a fucking tip once in a while.

Anyway, I'm using Texas Hold 'em to consider whether I should go out on the town in strange cities. If I'm going somewhere interesting like Santa Barbara then I'll assign like a King or an Ace and then consider what kind of attitude I'm in and give myself something like a Seven or maybe A Jack or whatever. Then I'll see if I should "pay the blind" and go out in the strange city looking for somewhere to go and something to do, which is basically the flop. If going out, the flop, doesn't look promising then I'll head back to my hotel room and try to do something solitary productive, but if the flop is good then I'll go in and see the turn, what's going on in the club, restaurant, boardwalk, park, cafe or whatever I choose. If still good I'll try to have a good time. Then it's time for the River. Do I go all out and get trashed and dance my ass off or try to break my body or talk to strangers or do I just chill and take the night easy. If the River card mathes up with my cards and I've got a good hand then I'll just let loose. If not then I'll take it easy and head back to the hotel room before my next day of work or travel. I just thing this Texas Hold'em analagy mike give some risk assemeent on how to use my time better and not feel bad about being stuck in said hotel room for a night.

New apartment is shaping up. Looking forward to coming home after this 10 day trip and firing up the guitar and recording studio. Going to lay down the skeletons of many of the songs I've written.

Life. It goes on, but I try to fill it with interesting shit so it doesn't go by too fast and seems worthwhile at least somewhat. Baby is great! So strong and smart and not that hard like I expected (of course ask L, my wife), but she's teething now and therefore gets upset at odd times. She's awesome though. Can't wait to take her surfing.

Speaking of Surf. Sunday in Maine was a good surfing day. I went to OOB and got some 4-6 footers. I was up and running on my first wave. Guess the recent move to the third floor has helped my arm muscles and overall endurance. Surfed for a good full 2 hours. Fun stuff. Wish we got more consistent surf up here. Great way to stay in shape.

The headlines are obvious. Gas high and will go higher. Wonder what kinda crash that's going to cause. It will be a rough time, the coming transition to life without a cheap source of mobility. Will be interesting and I expect it will happen in my lifetime easily. The next ten years will tell if we choke on black crude or wake up and build smarter cities and next generation fuel methods. Economy of scale would cheapen a lot of these so called alternatives. I think hybrids that you can plug into your home would be best. For some reason the auto makers aren't concentrating on this plug in option. Bothers me. It seems an obvious solution, but I must be missing something.

All right. Maybe during my trip I'll actually have something substantial to say.

Blog ya later!

Denim is Bulky Clothing?

2005-08-22T08:04:00.000-04:00

I need to take a moment and point out what I said about the London Police killing of the man on the subway a while back and heard people say that they think the police acted correctly.

Seems all the reports about the guy running away from police after being told to stop and wearing bulky clothes and many other details were dead wrong. And the guy gets jumped and then shot seven times in the head and then the police lie about what happened and don't want an investigation. Seems we are all ready to rush into an undue panic about the threat of terrorism.

I'm not surprised.

And this is what I'm warning about. Officials and citizens overstepping their authority and having hair-trigger reactions all based on terrorism. I'm worried about us all acting like fools because of fear and a threat that just isn't real. Getting in your car and driving is much more dangerous than the current terrorism threat for most people in the world yet we don't freak out about that. But the media and leadership of the US and Britain make it sound like the sky is falling and on top of that try fighting fire with fire which just makes a bigger fire.

Anyway. When police start being gun firing cowboys on a hunch your community is in trouble. I for one, the law abiding citizen that I am (mostly - really - hey stop that snickering) find myself equally insecure and afraid around desperate looking people and police officers. With what happened in London: Go figure.

Regional Faces

2005-08-19T19:43:00.000-04:00

Traveling as much as i do to different parts of the country its interesting to realize that people in each place have their own "look". It is one part genetic traits and one part cultural.

Its kinda freaky cause my franco english mutt mix with a northeast style and attitude certainly is different especially here in Dallas. I feel like a minority and it has nothing to do with my skin color.

Had to give my license up and asign a form in another dry county. Just weird to have to do that in the 21st century.

People seem friendly here but the whole place seems seedy to me. Lots of highways and lots of roads with worn down buildings everywhere. Not poor, just kind low class. But nothing is horrible here uniquely anyway.

Hookah in Deep Ellum

2005-08-18T23:36:00.000-04:00

Dallas Deep Elum. I am enjoying a hookah. Smooth smoke in a red dark lounge with lush music and velvet seats and pillows. Nice. Fugure i need to open one of these in Portland with dancing and coffee. Dare to dream. Would take some start up capital and maybe some know how of a partner, but it would pay odff big time. I'd make it a public place in the day time and a private club at night so i can break a few rules. Now only if i could find the right location.

Shotgun Blast Thoughts

2005-08-18T18:42:00.000-04:00

Big box national dining chains are just kitchens and dining rooms for wasting life, car culture suburbanites. Over priced, average food served in a plastic fake environment by a pretend to care wait staff! Ya! That's what I want. :(

The Iraq war is a sorry ass waste of life, productivity and money for all of in the United States, all for the misplaced idealism of nationalism idiots and the glory seeking of a silly, ignorant president. Waged on a lie, continued 'cause the USA doesn't have the balls to admit it's mistakes and leave. Since when before did you hear the term "home grown terrorism?" But of course we can all lose our freedoms of movement and speech to stop that.

Capitalism: An excuse to use money as a weapon and keep living miserably for the hope of a better day never to be realized. Related - NAFTA & CAFTA: A way for multi-national corporations to avoid laws that try to protect workers and the environment from exploitation by moving operations to a country where they don't know how to live in cooperation and harmony and therefore there's no law and order to stop 'em and then the workers in the USA will have to sacrifice their own since of decency and properness to compete.

Airport TSA Security Lines: The place where you give up your constitutional rights in order to hopefully catch a flight in time on an airline that is in major debt, but hopefully still taking care of the engines on the plane and maintenance.

Fear: What people can't seem to get enough of and would rather live in for some stupid reason even though it isn't a reality.

Local News: See Fear. Also add ignorance.

Faith Based Religions: Cults spewing misguided rhetoric and controlling people all based on FEAR.

Television: The mind numbing medium like a drug that helps people survive their daily fear.

The h20 here tastes funny

2005-08-18T16:51:00.000-04:00

Dallas is where i m at. I had to fill out a alcohol membership in order to drink a beer at Outback. Apparently Mesquite Tx is in a dry county and yes the water tastes weird. Oh. And its very hot and plenty of clogged freeway suburbia, but what else is new?

More Bend

2005-08-11T12:30:00.000-04:00

So yes, i bladed my ass off last night and today here in Bend Oregon.

Jumped down a set of stairs and screamed down a curvy mountain road, those being the highlights.

Noted lots more suburban style development than i had before, but i guess that is what the kids are into now a days, car culture and all. Some beautiful homes in the mountains and envigorating terrain and weather.

Tried swimming, but the snow mountain top fed river was/is super ass cold.

Now i m out at a rest. Lounge with a band getting ready to play some sort of funk folk Modest Mousish stuff i guess. Actually more of simon and garfunkle meets phish.

Did i mention that L's car was stolen? It was at 3gs cause the engine seized up on 295 sat. Night with keys in it. It was found in so. Port. Abandoned, but now its broke for good.

Bend Oregon

2005-08-09T23:11:00.000-04:00

Bend Oregon is a warm, charming place. Definitely not a big city, but downtown has a few medium density, happenin blocks. There are cliff side residential dwellings west of downtown and a bunch of attractive parks below along the river. The place is romantic in a sleepy, easy going sort of way. Pretty too. I could live here if i didn't think i would miss the ocean. Hot days and cool nights. Good local micro brews. Looks like some good inline skating as well, which i'll find out tommorow. Yeah, there's a mall and some sprawl, but proportional to the population of 65,000 the big town has some real vibrancy and unique charachter.

Stolen base

2005-08-09T00:07:00.000-04:00

I m not a big baseball fan, however i love the challenge of the stolen base from both the runner and defense point of view. I also think pitching is more interesting than hitting and wins championships.

Tiny Minority Point of View Realization

2005-08-07T20:52:00.000-04:00

so i'm not very good at explaining things. i've noticed doing this blogging that people don't usually seem to get what i m trying to point out. i'm not really an idealist, but i guess i try to look at the long term potential effects of issues. i also try to see all sides of an issue and that point of view just dilutes what i'm trying to say.

still i'm not sure blogging is a good idea for me. i'm too easy a target for criticism. I think i'm going to stop trying to explain myself. i'll just say what i think and let it be. you've all got brains. you'll either get it or you don't.

blogging has been an eye opener actually. interesting to hear what my friends and strangers have to say about what i say. can't say i feel a warm fuzzy about my place in this world. it's obvious that my perspective and opinions are in the minority.

and for that reason i think i need to learn to keep my mouth shut and typing fingers still. those who know me are laughing 'cause that's probably impossible.

still. i'm definitely going to pull back on trying to explain anything. i'll just say it and let people scratch their heads or, if you get it, nod their heads.

Empowered Vigilantism is Wrong

2005-08-05T12:11:00.000-04:00

I made a comment that was orginally linked by Make Out City to an article on Andrew Moroz's Blog.

It tells an interesting story and tries to justify the recent killing of the innocent man on the London subway who the police thought might be a terrorist.

Here is my comment:

Good illustration of the problem.

However, the difference involves acting in a personal vs official capacity.

It's a natural and understandable, but not forgivable distinction when an official (police officer, soldier, teacher, mayor, president) lets personal motivation or conflict affect what they do.

A government official is acting out a set of rules that have been layed down by the people that give the offcial their power.

An official is NEVER allowed to violate these rules in the course of executing their duties just because they would do something different for personal reasons. To do so just makes that person an empowered vigilante.

In fact, this is the biggest problem I see, the bluring of judgement based on personal feelings while acting as a government official.

I certainly understand when a non-official person has strong feelings and acts upon them, but a person acting as an agent of a government does not have that option and must follow and be held to the standards and rules that define the official position.

The concept I'm trying to illustrate taken a step further, because the psychological concept is related, is that countries are not people, corporations do not have feelings, organizations are not humam beings themselves and sports teams do not have honor to defend. These are all artificial constructs and we should not treat them as anything else by applying feelings and honor to them and taking actions based on this.

Important as this distinction is, I think it's hard for most human beings to act this way.

Tag Team Night Out

2005-08-02T16:02:00.000-04:00

L and I played tag team with the baby and both went out last night separately to the gothic/industrial dance night here in Portland; her the first two hours, me the second. We only live a mile from the downtown Portland club at most. 75% of the people I hang out with and 90% of the people who read this blog were there so there probably isn’t much point in detailing everything that went on. I had a great time and L seemed to as well. Our long lost friend and scene girl “Bet” was in town from Portland, OR where she lives now and we also used know her from when we lived there as well. She’s an energetic dervish on the dance floor and it was good to have her around even if only for a night. She complains, now that she’s older, that she doesn’t have the same endurance as she used to, but we both threw down to “Let Your Body Die” in old-school Zootz (now defuct Portland, ME club) style.

I’ll also mention that it was a good busy scene with lots of women on and off the dance floor. My recent inline skating has got/kept me in shape and I spent most of the two hours dancing hard and downing three drinks. Erica was trashed. Wally was trashed. CS was talking. Inga was dancing. DJ DeHuman8
& DJ Stranger had good sets. It was Kathy’s Birthday! My ex-girlfriends (more or less) Jodi was even there and likewise so was Kristine – (both married now). Everybody was hanging out and talking to everybody else. And I met new people, but I didn't get their names. Certainly a good time was had by most, if not all. Maybe it was the Gemini Moon letting people mingle, which now has moved into Cancer today and so things are more low key and less social feeling today.

Okay, that was a longer description than what I’d planned. Oh well.

Speaking of Astrology. I've reinvested myself in my research. Wally-what was your birthday again? - So I can check out your transits and gambling probability of success or failure. (5:56am, August 26, 1976? – I don’t think I have the day number right.)

I definetely disagree with some class tenants of Astrology like ruling planets, but aspects between planets certainly seem to illuminate personality traits. So I've getting back into my research on the subject like I said. I've always been skeptical, but at the same time fascinated and have seen too much that makes sense in my own chart and others to completely discount that something isn't going on. I suppose that now a days I'm more a believer in the idea of Astrology and the solar system as some sort of spiritual machine even if I don't completely believe in the established mechanisms of astrology. There's a lot of stuff out there that is just marketing and bullshit.

Crazy Kewl Pictures Link

2005-08-01T15:52:00.000-04:00

Check out the "crazy-kewl" pictures at Factum, which is one of my regular links:

Factum

They're the best.

Darkside

2005-07-28T00:26:00.000-04:00

In my on going search for unique and eclectic gothic industrial clubs, tonight I visited a place here in Colorado Springs, Colorado named Darkside. At ten O'clock at night on a Wednesday there's about fifteen people there. Some young white male preppy punks in black, print T-shirts, a couple women and a few real hard core types. There were a couple busy pool tables and a 4-way interconnected 1st person shoot-em up video game that was being played by what looked like teenagers. On the TV was an extremely raw and violent video called Ghetto Brawls or something like that, where I watched video-cam caught, real-life fights often between women and almost always the skin color was black. There's a big stage, which would be great for shows that looks out onto a big triangular cement audience floor. Large speakers were pounding our some sort of aggro-metal that some long haired DJ was playing, standing above it all in the middle of the rectangular cement warehouse club.

Good place to see a good band play, but kind of devoid of any warmth, but maybe that's the point. Not sure, but for me, seeing a bunch of suburbanite white boys laughing at ghetto, skull breaking, face pounding fights all to the tune of aggro-metal kill 'em all music was a bit too much for me tonight. I can take it, but there's no art to it all you see, except the lack of I suppose. It was basically a boring place with an undercurrent of fake violence, but all too real to the senses nonetheless. So I finished my beer and took off, deciding it wasn't worth the general waste of my time. The crowd seemed lame, but the bar definitely had a dark side, raw violence feel. Perhaps on a different night with a band playing it would have been more intriguing and not just callous.

Colorado Springs

2005-07-26T22:14:00.000-04:00

This place is so quiet. I drove around some and it is like a ghost town or rather a spread out surburbia. There is a tremendous amount of space in these high plains and so everything is spaced out i suppose. No critical mass of people though. Even the residential neighborhood streets are two lanes.

So this is a follow up. When the sun came out on following days more people came out of there houses and downtown was lots busier tonight while I was blading the streets. This is still a surburbia city, but there are some lush downtown neighborhoods, albeit with roads wide enough to land a 747. Anyway, I had some good Pizza and a beer tonight before retiring to my hotel in order to get some sleep for my next day.

Not Outraged? You Should Be!

2005-07-26T00:06:00.000-04:00

In London a few days ago, an Alarm Repair man whose visa had expired ran from plain clothes british cops and got shot seven times in the head for wearing a padded jacket and being scared.

But that's the world we live in now. That's the political correct climate. That's the reality now that we've made terrorism a world-wide fear.

Police are empowered to investigate, search, raid, detain and yes even kill if they have the excuse that something linked to "terrorism" might happen. There's no need of justifiable probable cause. Today, you act at all strange - bang bang bang - pop a cap into you son, ask question later. And that's just the worse of all the stuff authoritarian figures are doing now a days.

Fear rules and the dog days of war continues.

This is what we have to look forward to in our life time unless we wake up and stop living like the sky is falling.

The cure is more dangerous then the minor cough.

Wake up people. Wake the fuck up!

Is this the world you want to live in? Searches and police harassment and being worried about getting involved. Meanwhile Billions and then a Trillion is wasted fighting a war that HAS NO END.

However, our peaceful existence and any chance at life, liberty and pursuit of happiness is going right down the tube. That basic belief of society is certainly close to end if not already bleeding from the head in seven places.

The powers that be are doing all the exactly wrong things to make this world and our lives a better place. Is this a power play by the rich to keep those with less power in line. Maybe, even probably. It's amazing what we'll let be done to us.

So throw them out. Stop spending tax money on wars. Keep the leashes on the police for the good of everybody.

Don't take away each others rights. Protest this outrage and every little way you can without getting yourself shot or a ticket Guatonamo. The problem is very real. You see the lying and fear speak on the news every day and night, but it's not reality nor the solution to the problem.

I'm not a citizen soldier. I don't care about your nationality. What I care about what is right and good and best are reasonable and productive. Believe it or not I'm a realist.

Our leaders are not being reasonable nor are they realists. They are acting like irresponsible teenagers. And so is the Majority of people as well with this whole terrorism and Iraq thing. The president and his cronies are doing if for glory, power and misguided, impractical idealism.

"God Bless The USA"

What kind of message is that compared to destroying a society and government based on Islam?

What we are trying to do is the same thing as the Pope's army (if he had a big powerful one) coming into America and trying to dismantle Democracy and set up a christen government or anything else like that.

You'd fight it. You know you would! And your heroes would be the out matched and out gunned suicide gorilla attacks on the invaders; the brave insurgents and freedom fighters who risk everything to defeat the Constitution killing enemies. Heck, you see it in the movies all the time. An important character sacrifices himself to kill the enemy and everyone in the movie theatre goes "right on" average joe-do the right thing. The lone fighter pilot crashes his ship into the bigger ship to save the day. Ahh the examples in pop culture go on and on.

But for some reason the American majority and the mental idiots in power can't see both sides of the currently unbalanced equation.

I ask you to think it through and realize what a screwed up world we are all allowing to come about.

The slogan:

If you are not OUTRAGED - You Should Be!!!

Is very appropriate right now.

Year 1 is Official

2005-07-25T08:38:00.000-04:00

So I've been married a year now to L. and have been exclusive and living with her for almost a total of six.

I've been happy. We've traveled and lived in other cities and had many adventures. We found out that we are good together, although I think our communication styles go together a bit roughly. There's friction once in a while, but we our lived slide along together freely. Not only do I feel like I can be myself completely, but also I feel secure and supported.

Can't say that I haven't been attracted and distracted by other women, but I haven't been motivated to pursue or "cheat". That's been cool, because I've always liked women a lot, however what I got is unique and special. Certainly not worth screwing up, especially just to roll the dice on some other relationship.

Most importantly I love her. I hurt when she hurts. I notice when she enters a room. When I'm home alone I anticipate when she will return. I try to do things that will include her. I like seeing here succeed and be happy.

And now there's our baby Sorcha who has added an entirely new dimension to my life. Out of my relationship with L. has come this incredible creature. I hope that we can keep this marriage thing going so that I can stay close to her and be a guiding light to help her gain wisdom and strength and skill in life.

Yes I'm happy right now. There's been rough times and there will be more, but I think our relationship thing is working out quite nicely.

Alt-Wave Night

2005-07-22T17:09:00.000-04:00

So last night after spending time with the baby and wife and they got tired, I decided I’d head out into downtown on the motorcycle even though I myself was also a little tired and see what the scene was like at Asylum on DJ Sean Seindon’s Thursday Alt-Wave Dance Night.

Dead early at 10pm, but by 11pm friends had dropped in and a host of rocket punks, hipsters, riot girls and assorted riff-raff were showing up to make the evening worthwhile. The music sets ranged from Bowie to Morrissey, Talking Heads to Madonna and some new stuff, but I guess last night was mostly from the 80’s and 90’s. A good critical mass of people suddenly filled the dance floor at about 11:15 and the place was rockin from then until closing.

I’ve made a point of visiting underground and aboveground clubs all around the country and I’ve certainly found some interesting gothic-industrial places, but for an all around intense, sexy, fucking good time of men and women getting artsy dance crazy I haven’t found a better place than in Portland, ME, which dates back to the Zootz days and maybe that’s where it all started from.

And I’m not talking, necessarily about grinding (that happens) and drunken fools (that happens), but I’m talking about serious throw downs and energetic dancing to drink from the soul of movement from and a certain artistic license lifestyle that is open to anybody who wants to be cool and jump in and go for a let loose fun time. And a sort of mysterious sexy vibe that gets in the air when that happens.

I don’t know why, but people at most clubs are so fucking careful to look cool and tough don’t know how to let loose and have a good time without being raw and ridiculous and getting completely trashed and then all they are is annoying. And most scenes are often raw and all about money and buying expensive drinks and showing off and just being pretentious.

Anyway, I’m proud of the local alt-dance scene and it’s been great for many years. I like to think my out-going, let loose dance style of now and early days has been somewhat of an influence.

Chitwood is Driftwood Bound

2005-07-21T13:33:00.000-04:00

So after 17 years Portland, Maine Police Chief Chitwood is leaving to take the same job in Pennsylvania. Myself, I’ve never liked his tough talk and narrow minded policies and the unelected, seeming invulnerability of his post. Under his watch the Portland Police finally got noticed at a federal level for their brutality and out of control actions resulting in organization shake-up and calls for a citizen review board which Chitwood fought against. He would routinely act as if Portland, Maine was a big city crime fest and make the city seem to be a scary place. Oh sure, there are definitely “bad” guys threatening the public here, but his sort of short sighted policies and words only got him camera time for the news and rouined many an event and meeting place. Often he was voted most liked and most hated Portland person in local polls at the same time. Obviously I don’t like his policies and his short sighted, blunt “bush-like” public speaking that the sky is falling, the sky is falling, but in person he seemed a nice, quiet guy who probably has his heart in the right place, but not his mouth and actions. I spent an hour with him when I typeset his resume back in 1995 and he was polite and soft spoken and now today an eerie sort of thing happened.

I stopped in at Bagleworks for an early lunch and I grabbed the Forecaster local magazine and a front page article announced his resignation and job move. Walking to my table, reading the headline, I pumped my fist in the air and said rather loudly, “Yes!” Then I sit down at my table and start reading the paper. Looking up over the seat I see a plain clothes man standing, facing and looking at me. He’s getting a napkin or something from a counter and I quickly realize that it’s the soon to be ex-police chief himself, looking at me as I read a next page article. He was probably in line when I had shouted by un-referenced exclamation, but then again who knows.

Of course, the police chief remains a powerful position in city government and wonder what yahoo we are going to get next.

As a side note I think there should be a mechanism during voting where if 25% of the total turnout chooses to give the thumbs down, a government employed supervisor must be fired and a search for a replacement started. Right now there’s only indirect accountability through elected officials and here in Portland there is no Mayor and therefore the City Manager and Police Chief are employed by and run the city, meanwhile the responsibility for their actions that the public can directly affect is divided between eight council members who can all side step the focus of any issue related to these position.

You need elected accountability for powerful government positions and that is often not the case.

Wiser or Boring?

2005-07-20T14:24:00.000-04:00

After a shower on a summer night before going out on the town I used to ride my motorcycle on the 295 highway (or whatever highway was around) and go real fast so my longish hair would dry in a tangled mess and look different, crazy and sexy-cool.

I suppose that sentence will be taken as proof that we need helmet laws to stop frivolous reasons (“oohh-the wind in my hair”) for riding around without a helmet, but why judge self-freedom choices beyond your own (“Man-that is stupid”) personal beliefs. (i.e. Don’t legislate personal beliefs)

Anyway, my point is that I don’t do that much any more. Today at lunch I zipped home on my bike wearing my half helmet to get in a inline blade in the sunshine ‘cause yesterday, waiting till after work resulted in a wash due to thunderstorms. My hour long dash up and down and around Munjoy Hill resulted in a sweaty mess and a shower to try and cool down, but the cool down really didn’t work. Now, a few years ago I would have jumped on the motorcycle without a helmet and sprinted back to work and let the wind cool me down, but I found myself in an ethical, or something like that, dilemma, where I couldn’t justify not wearing a helmet just to go to work. Yeah, I’d like to have some cool hair and be cooled down quickly, but with a wife and child now it didn’t seem really necessary and so I didn’t. I got here easily and safely without even the nearest of misses or driving difficulties and I’m now in the AC and cooled down.

But what has really changed? Am I older and wiser? Is the risk vs. reward (years ago: possible injury vs. looking good to attract a woman) just not worth it anymore.

This is a petty issue, I know, but I’m just not as daring and cool as I once was.

Maybe I’m just out of practice. Maybe I’m wiser. Maybe I’m just getting boring.

Then again, I wore sandals driving the motorcycle on the highway to get back to work.

Maybe I’m just crazy with no rhyme or logical reason. Yeah, that’s the one.

2D Human Social Reality

2005-07-19T17:05:00.000-04:00

So here is my pessimistic, 2D, honest view of human social reality.

The people with power, (which comes in the form of beauty, wealth, good job, health, strength, intelligence, meanness etc.) will try to gain more and make it so that those with less power lose more . They will only make and favor decisions that benefit them in the short run and ultimately not care about the long term issues of society. Using their power they wish to make as many people as possible do things the way they want and act the way they want all based on their life perspective. They often have short sighted ignorance about many issues because they have less a reason to worry about these issues affecting them directly. These people are generally hard core Republicans and so called conservatives.

The people without much power (ugly, poor, horrible job or none, sickly, weak, stupid, compassionate etc.) try to get some power by subverting society to protect them or feel sorry for them and make it so that those with more power take responsibility for their difficulties and responsibilities in life. They will make and favor decisions that promote a strong government that provides security. However, they also only see life based on their own perspective and do not value independence, afraid that somebody will take advantage of them or because they are simply envious. They tend to be paranoid and worry about everything that might happen in the short term and long. These people are generally hard core Democrats and so called liberals.

Most of us are somewhere in between the two categories and frankly the reality is not a 2 dimensional model, but this is how I see the division of our human instinctive social behavior. There are fewer people enjoying the 1st category than there are towards the 2nd category so the power over the population is generally balanced, especially in a democracy, however as technology empowers the powerful to more easily control society I think the categorical equation above is becoming skewed.

Personally, I'm probably in the middle and a little towards category two, but I'm trying to rise above this defeatist, destructive behavior because just like in trade, life can be a win win equation with cooperation and independence working together.

Impossible you say? Which hardcore category are you?

No Servers Please

2005-07-19T14:24:00.000-04:00

I had lunch at Federal Spice toady. The Jamaican Jerk with Black Beans and Rice was good, but I recommend the Mango and Pineapple Quesadilla and Yam Fries. I think this place was the "first" eclectic food, casual place to show up in Portland way back in 1998 or something like that. Remarkable that a place crammed into the darker side of a parking garage can do so well. But, they have beer on tap and a small patio and a funky interior, and most importantly good different food, so it works. Their menu is a bit tired though-hasn't changed much since the inception, but they do have specials and why change something that works. I like this sort of easy going dining, but excellent food. Other similar and great places that have popped up in Portland are: "The Kitchen", "Granny’s Burritos", "Bagel Works"-they have a more complete menu now-a-days and that's all I can think of at the moment. (hmmm.-Portland needs more and I think there are, but I forget right now.)

When I'm traveling I do not enjoy eating in a waitered atmosphere restaurant all by myself. What's the point. Everything is timed and you "have" to follow always these elegance rules and speak politely to another human being and that person is running like five tables and doesn't have much time for a single tipping person and plus I have to tip for unwanted service. Just let me get my own food thank you. It's also a pet peeve of mine at breakfast time buffet at hotels. You get all the food yourself, but there's this waiter person trying to pour your coffee and speak to me. Go away please. I end up leaving a 10% tip because I figure this person needs to get paid, but I don't want to be bothered.

I've been a waiter in four different places over a period of probably three years. 75% of server staff just care about your money. not you. not the quality of your food. just getting you in, selling you as much crap as possible to fatten the bill and then getting you out and collect. On top of that the restaurants just think of each guest as a cash cow and try to sell you food and drinks that you don't need. It's quite a racquet and it just goes to show that customers don't choose excellent service, but easy and convenient and good enough is usually the order of the day.

Anyway, I like places like Federal Spice. I order good food. I Pick a good table. (Ahh. Being sat at some stupid table tat I don't like by some overly friendly jerk is annoying) Maybe a beer. I leave my coin change for a register tip and I take it easy and enjoy. If there's a trash can, I'll even throw my trash and garbage away. Just one thing, I want them to play custom music or none at all. Don't be pipping in muzak over these too loud tinny speakers to irritate me.

I want to eat in peace!

Complainers

2005-07-14T19:42:00.000-04:00

Flying to NJ today i noted a lot people complaining about things beyond anybody's real control and the carrying on and negativity really bugged me especially because i had already endured a day of cancellations and had to get up very early today with less time avail. To do what i came here to do.

Anyway, it occured to me that i often complain out load about frustrating stuff and perhaps people are reacting the same way to me.

I guess on self examination i should make sure i m nort spreading misery and annoyance without a practicle reason. Othwerwise i m just being one of those bitchy complainers.